


Girls night out II (Gotham style)

by dhapin



Category: Ameri-Do-Te, Batman (Comics), Deadpool (Comics), Doctor Who, Luther (TV), New Mutants, X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-23 06:44:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13781964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhapin/pseuds/dhapin
Summary: Illyana returns to the DC universe, this time with friends. Girls night out. Will Gotham survive?In chapter six of Tag I’m It, I apparently created a team (Dani, Jubilee, Illyana and Laura).  They get together and beat up crooks (hey they all like fighting).  At the end Jubilee wanted to have a girl’s night out in New York so… this story resulted.  LordGrise and I got to chatting (as he continues to create the Illyana/DC crossover story Arkham that I created to have an Illyana/Joker story) and… Well…Thus resulted… Another DC crossover (Yeah!) by LordGrise and I.To better understand this story I recommend that you at least read Chapter 6 of Tag I’m it (Or read the whole story, which I think is fantastic, but I’m rather biased).  And of course the story Arkham.This story assumes that Illyana continues to visit the world of DC.





	1. Chapter 1

**Part 1a: THREE DAYS LATER**

 

Batman sat wearily at his accustomed workstation onboard the WatchTower, the Justice League’s space station, and accessed his email. For the last three days he had not been on Earth, but instead engaged upon a matter requiring the attention of the Justice League and the Green Lantern Corps. Food and sleep had been in short supply, and Batman was in need of both. Food was currently a mug of his vegan smoothie #1, usually referred to as 'Batman's swamp smoothie'. Sleep he was postponing until he got back to the mansion as he had an hour and a half to remain on the station pending the lab studies confirming he wasn't bringing an alien plague to Earth, and after fifteen minutes focused meditation, he was making the most of his time until he could go to his bed.

 

Routine notifications were summarily noted and dealt with in the order they were presented; then he opened the Gotham patrol reports folder. One in particular was multiply flagged: Orphan, Oracle, Catwoman (!)... and most ominously, by Alfred.

 

He immediately contacted Alfred; Alfred generally only made formal notes on a patrol report and flagged it if there were injuries involved and follow up care - or rest - was needed.

 

_"Good morning, sir. I have activated the Tahiti Protocol; it seems you and Ms. Kyle were feeling in need of privacy. The return can be enacted at your convenience. Ms. Rasputin returned Ms. Cassandra rather late this morning; she is still sleeping off a devil's brew of alcohols and other recreational substances. I do not believe she will be fit to patrol for two days.”_

 

 

**Part 1b: Girls Night Out Mark II (three days prior)**

Five little bats sitting in a tree. One fell out, oh dearly oh me. One turned to the another’s and said to thee…

_“_ _Doug Marcaida, the knife judge on the show Forged in Fire. He’s shown up from time to time at the mansion to give a class and to fight with Logan. I find him most skilled.”_ Was the opinion of Laura (code name X-23).

 

 _“Nonsense. Has to be Bruce Lee.”_ Counters Dani. _“The best martial artist of all time has to be Bruce Lee.”_

 

 _“Jackie Chan!”_ Was Jubilees contribution which earned her glares from Laura and Dani.

 

The location, Central Park New York, 1:37am. Our heroes are sitting in a tree, bored and arguing due to said boredom.

 

A crackle on the radio link from Illyana as she whispered a complaint _. “So much for hiding in a tree waiting for evil doers to attempt to take advantage of me. Your chatter could awaken the dead.”_

Illyana was pretending to be passed out on a park bench (dressed in a simple red gown), holding a half empty red wine bottle. While Illyana? It’s simple, it was her turn.

 

But wait? That’s only four? Who is the fifth person in the tree? Kitty? Elizabeth Braddock (Psyocke)? Hope? Monet? Squirrel Girl (after all they were in an oak tree with acorns)? Hope? Storm? (Yeah like Storm would sit in a tree). Rachel? Had to be Rachel… Right?

 

Nope. It was Mazikeen from the bar Lex in Los Angels. She was here on Illyana’s invite as the other’s didn’t believe that Illyana had been telling the truth about the bar Lex.

 

 _“You are all wrong.”_ States Mazikeen with distain and a sneer as to their opinions. _“Master Ken, his show, Enter the Dojo is both entertaining and most definitive as to such things. I recommend his episode, One hundred ways to attack the groin, it taught even me a few things. He’s based in L.A so I ended up holding him hostage until he revealed his secrets. Plus, his other show, Master Ken’s Private’s, has various guest attend and demonstrate attack techniques. Most illuminating. I love his saying, never take your eyes off the balls, words to live by girls. Words to live by.”_

 

Dani replied with irritation. **_“That is not a real thing!”_** While Jubilee and Laura just looked on with sudden interest. Jubilees was later to comment, she had me at balls.

 

Mazikeen did not bother to reply, instead she just pulled out her iPhone X, unlocked it and hit one of her saved web links.

 

They then watched Master Ray, and his porno mustache, demonstrated one hundred groin attacks in just two minutes. The three were impressed, even Dani.

 

Laura made a mental note to review all of his work while Jubilee and Dani wondered about later practicing some of the newly seen groin attacks in the Danger room (they later did and their male sparing partners were not pleased). Hmmm…They concluded, they really needed to try some groin attacks the next time there was a villainous attack.

 

 _“Do all his methods involve a stomp to the groin?”_ Inquired Laura.

 

_“Most, it can be optional, but why deny yourself the satisfaction? He is after all the caption of the crotch.”_

 

Ok, Dani was beginning to see why Illyana had invited Mazikeen. On the negative side she was rude, crude, violent, and verbally abusive. Those were oddly also some of her pluses. That and the knife collection she’d brought. Dani was really keen on all the knives, and just how many Mazikeen was able to conceal upon her person; something Laura was also quite impressed with as well. Mazikeen was currently letting Dani wield a knife called the Castrator. It had a curved hook like end for… well, the name was most descriptive as to what the hook curve was used for.

 

 _“This is a bust.”_ Groused Mazikeen, who was not talking about her cleavage (which was on rather prominent display), and especially not about Jubilee’s anemic ranking upon the titty index in general and in this particular female gathering. _“I thought there was supposed to be evil doers to beat and hurt. All that has occurred is a drunk urinating against this tree, a pick pocket with the ferociousness of a hamster, a very small hamster, and a very inadequately equipped man who likes to display himself for reasons that lack any sense.”_

 

Illyana again whispers into her mike. “ _There might have been some real crooks but no… everybody has to chatter like a bunch of hens, show videos while practicing martial art moves in the branches. Can’t imagine why the muggers are staying away.”_

Illyana sat up on the bench, there was a flicker of light, and she was now dressed in her usual tight black leather getup. _“Okay, guess it’s a no show for tonight. Time for a Starbucks run?”_

 

The others leapt down from the tree and clustered around Illyana. So… just who are these damsels of distress?

 

**Illyana Rasputin (A.K.A Magik, A.K.A Darkchilde, A.K.A Queen of Limbo)**

Mutant teleporter, demon, sorceress queen of Limbo, and all round bitch when she wants to be. Blonde with dark blue eyes (when in human form). Illyana is in her usual field getup, black leather short shorts, a black leather top with a boob window, tall black boots, black gloves, plus she has some kind of black sticks stuck in her hair. There was also some kind of weird black spiky armor on her left shoulder. Illyana currently has no displayed weapon.

 

**Danielle Moonstar (A.K.A Mirage)**

Dani is a Cheyenne (American Indian). Dani’s mutant powers are currently deactivated, but she is extremely skilled in many forms of armed and unarmed combat (i.e. hard ass bitch) and is currently a Valkyrie of Asgard which gives her strength, reflexes, the ability to sense impending death, and great resilience. She is currently wearing her winged headdress (white wings that stand up straight), soft tan leather boots, and a black leather body suit accessorized with a silver belt and some silver jewelry. She has her long dark hair in a ponytail. She has a bow at her back and a long knife at her side, plus that curved Castrator blade on loan.

 

**Laura Kinney (A.K.A X-23, also known as Wolverine)**

A small woman, Laura is a survivor of the Weapon X program, literally breed to be the perfect killing machine. White skinned with dark black hair. Like her biological father (Logan, also known as Wolverine), she is a mutant and has the same abilities as her father. Enhanced sense, an accelerated healing factor that allows her to regenerate damaged or destroyed tissues with great speed. Injuries such as gunshot wounds, slashes, and puncture wounds completely heal within a matter of seconds. She possesses two retractable claws sheathed within her forearm; plus a single shorter claw from each foot. The claws are bone, but have been coated with adamantium (meaning they are unbreakable). Before her escape from Weapon X, she had been trained (and used many times) as an assassin. She is dressed not as the Wolverine, but rather like Illyana in tight black leathers, only with a bit less skin showing.

 

**Mazikeen**

A dark skinned (looks like a mix of East Indian and European descent) a beautiful and sensuous woman. Long black hair this is current worn as a ponytail. She’s dressed in skin tight black leather (boots, pants, shirt, and jacket). She is a demon from a hell, now on earth. Violent. Really really violent. Was one of hell’s main torturers, definite sadomasochist and very sexually promiscuous. She is strong, fast, has some mild telekinesis, heals, and likely other magical abilities not yet shown.

 

**Jubilation Lee (A.K.A Jubilee)**

A dark haired Asian, former mutant now turned Vampire (she was transformation by the bite of Xarus, son of Dracula). Her powers include superhuman strength and speed, the ability to turn into vapor, and to talk incessantly (which is a natural ability, not related to any mutant or vampire powers). She has vampire healing abilities as well. Jubilee now possesses all of the weaknesses of a vampire, but is resistant to sunlight (it does however make her weaker). She apparently did not bother to fully read the memo about tonight’s activity as she is dressed in a full body black outfit, with major pink highlighting, plus a yellow trench coat (yes bright yellow, great for sneaking around at night) and giant red goggles.

 

So one blonde and four dark haired girls standing around talking, then a flicker of a light circle and they are at a Starbucks (the one by Avengers Mansion).

 

A few minutes later…

 

They were all admiring the knives that Mazikeen’s had brought, over mocha and frappuccinos, and vanilla tea for Illyana.

 

Oh, and Jubilee was having a Starbucks blood smoothie (her first) and was put out to discover that a very few Starbucks had a secret blood menu (not advertised in any way). The drinks were way expensive but good. And just how the hell did Illyana and Mazikeen know about the secret menu and she didn’t? So unfair! The other vampires were always keeping things from her! I mean… she was a member of the blood drinkers club even if she got her blood from a blood bank and didn’t… (as I said, massive chatty powers).

 

Mazikeen was currently explaining the purpose of each knife.

 

_“… And of course Castrator is one of my favorites, I always used it to castrate newcomers in hell. And anything else that needs castrating, which was surprisingly frequent. There was this one time that I…“_

_‘What’s that one for?”_ Asked Jubilee, in an attempt to change the topic as Mazikeen was very keen on the whole topic of castration and Jubilee was finding Mazikeen’s enthusiasm for said castrations to be unnerving. Jubilee was pointing at a small bladed knife, just two inches long, black wood with no hand guard, and carved with what appeared to be erotic figures entwined in various positions.

 

 _“That’s my sex knife.”_ Replied Mazikeen after draining her third quadruple espresso.

_“You cut people while having sex?!”_ Was Jubilee’s rather loud reply. With earned her a glare from Mazikeen (and cringes from everybody else in Starbucks).

 

Mazikeen picked up the knife in question. _“Sometimes, when I’m in the mood, but not with this knife.”_ She twirled the blade about with various hand moves (which impressed everybody, except all the other customers and the Starbucks staff as the display of weaponry was unnerving). _“This knife is for when a man just can’t perform anymore. One cut by me, one cut by him upon me and… ready for more hot and heavy action.”_

Dani commented. _“Never seen Viagra in quite that form before.”_ A comment that made Jubilee giggle. The Starbucks was only mildly crowded (this was one of those 24 hour Starbucks, but nobody was sitting by our gals, likely due to the prominent display of lethal weapons).

 

Illyana then brought out her bat boomerang, only to receive dismissals from Jubilee and Mazikeen.

 

 _“Obvious forgery Illyana.”_ Dismissed Jubilee (the well known weapons expert, as in not at all). _“Cheap souvenir. Can’t believe you fell for it.”_

 

 _“Marginal.”_ Sneered Mazikeen as she stole a sip of Jubilees drink with a lightning quick grab. _“Inadequate to do more then minor damage as the edges are insufficiently sharp for deep cutting or penetration. It’s as if the intent is only to harm and not to kill.”_

After stealing her drink back with a lighting fast move of her own, Jubilee commented that. _“I bet there would be muggers in Gotham. Too bad it doesn’t exist. Which is a disaster for all of creation as I’d make a great Robin.”_

Illyana gave Jubilee a mild glare. _“Gotham is filled with muggers and all kinds of criminals. And as I said last time the Bat doesn’t like vampires. And you’re way too chatty for the Bat anyway, he’s more of a grunt and glare kind of guy.”_

_“Am not! And the Bat does not exist! That just a comic.”_

Mazikeen stole the blood smoothie back from Jubilee. _“This is boring, I was promised a fun night and so far this has been disappointing. And you Jubilee are the worse vampire I have ever met, blood from a bank instead of hot and fresh from the source? I’ll bet you don’t even use your powers to seduce sexual partners. Why not just stake yourself and be done with it. I wish to depart this place, and…”_ Suddenly Mazikeen was twirling a pair of fur lined handcuffs, and Jubilee’s eyes got big. _“Illyana assured me that this would be fun, promised in fact. I distinctly recall the phrase I swear. I mean to have my fun Yana, if not in combat then just like last time.”_

 

Just a minor frown back from Illyana. _“Control yourself Maz, the night is still young… somewhere… and… wait a second, that was you wearing the… um…ok. How about Seattle or LA?”_ Hmmm, it was still daytime in Tokyo so that was off the list, bit of a bummer as Ninjas could be real fun.

_“You said New York_.” Was Maz’s reply. _“You gave your word it would be fun. And if I’d wanted LA I would have stayed in LA. And I like you better when you’re wearing your horns and tail. This is not fun so… time for…”_

Okay, Illyana concluded that Mazikeen was in a mood so extreme measures were obviously needed to recover the evening. She interrupted Maz before Maz went into more detail (no need to have Jubilee freak out). _“Damn, I was hoping to save this for a later time but… First a few questions. Anybody have any issues with bats?”_

 

Just some no’s and shaking of heads in response, plus a sarcastic expression from Jubilee (she is a vampire after all).

 

_“Okay, any issues with cats?”_

 

Neither Dani or Laura had issues but Jubilee did make a face as she stated. _“Hate cats.”_ And she attempted to steal the blood smoothie back from Mazikeen, only to fail as Mazikeen slurped it sarcastically after avoiding Jubilee’s attempt at seizing the cup.

 

Mazikeen then replied as she flipped the now empty cup to Jubilee. _“Cats are self-centered, obsessed with only what pleases them, and vicious, so… of course I adore the evil little critters.”_

Jubilee glared at Mazikeen and the now empty cup. _“I prefer dogs.”_

Which elicited a sniff of disparagement from Mazikeen. _“If you want a dog then get a man, their better then dogs.”_

Questioning glances from other others caused Mazikeen to emphasize a bit. _“Foot massages, pleading apologies, sex, good for fetching things other then sticks, and since they talk so little their mouths and tongues can be better employed southward.”_

 

A moment of confusion on Jubilee’s face, then she blushed as the sexual implications of Mazikeen’s statement were understood. Which of course just made her lose more points with Mazikeen (A blushing vampire… what’s the world coming to?).

 

Illyana decided to go for it. _“Okay then, I’ve been working on a little spell, some chaos magic cribbed from the Scarlet Witch, to help setup a party as it were. It should ensure that the evening is very eventful with all kinds of fun for the participants. And I will remind you that it is a different universe. You gals in?”_

 

Agreement all around, it was not just Mazikeen that was bored. Jubilee did ask a mischievous question. _“Does this other universe have a Steve Tyler?”_

 

A question that did not prompt a nice response from Mazikeen. _“Why would you care if there is a… oh... Okay… I get it. You’re into the elderly. Your one of those kind of vampires, okay. Takes all kinds.”_

 

A comment that finally got Jubilee angry. _“I am not into the elderly and what do you mean okay?”_

 

_“Not judging, just would have thought that you’d go for something younger and more… health.”_

 

The tif was broken up by Illyana. _“Try to play nice Mazikeen, and Jubilee she’s just trying to get your goat because she’s bored.”_

 

The two settled down, and Mazikeen grinned at being caught.

 

Illyana explained. _“Okay, rules are the same. No killing unless extreme situations, the Bat really gets upset at killing. Agreed?”_

They all agreed, even Mazikeen who did sneer a bit at the obvious wimpyness of yet another no killing rule game.  They picked up the knives, while Illyana conjured a small bottle containing a dark red liquid and five shot glasses.

 

Illyana poured five shots, then did some mystical gestures that ignited the top of the liquid with little magical blue flames. She then held up one of the shot glasses as if to do a toast while gesturing for the others to take a glass as well. They did and Illyana spoke the toast.

 

_“To a fun time for all in the group.”_

They clicked the glasses and all drank, and the little blue flames briefly outlined their bodies as they drank.

 

 _“Wow… that has a kick.”_ Was Jubilee’s comment. _“What was it?”_

 

 _“Purified chaos.”_ Was Illyana’s reply. _“This should work. Okay, click your heels and hold on to your unmentionables, we’re on our way.”_

 

There was another flicker of a light circle and they were gone (much to the relief of everybody else at Starbucks). And just in time to avoid a late night Starbucks visit by Jane (the Wasp), who did not get along at all with Illyana.

 

All that was left was Jubilee’s sudden question left lingering in the air as they vanished. _“What do you mean **should?** ”_

 

**Part 1c: Gotham (Bad girls bad girls, whacha gunna do?)**

 

The ladies looked around, and at first, nothing had changed: They were just back in Central Park amidst the trees. Then they realized they weren't the same trees, nor were they in the same places. Nor the same time, it was now twilight instead of late night. They saw the city skyline and…

 

Illyana was smug in her declaration. " _Ladies... welcome to Gotham. Anyone fancy a drink? I know this really great club…"_

 

Then five punks stepped out of the brush, confronting Illyana, who was still holding the half full bottle of wine. All had the whiteface, green hair, and rouged lips that marked them as Jokerz...

 

 

**Part 1d: Something wicked this way comes**

 

The alert was seen in the Monitor Womb of the WatchTower first, and instantly relayed to several other systems: Tachyon burst, Gotham Central Park. Signature reference: **MAGIK.** Priority high...

 

Unfortunately, Batman wasn't on-planet at that moment: he and the other core Justice League members were dealing with an issue Elsewhere. And so it fell upon to Oracle to manage the situation. At the precise moment the alert came in, though, she already had two situations developing simultaneously: Nightwing and Robin were fighting an AI manifestation claiming to be of the HIVE, while Spoiler and Red Robin were dealing with a robbery that had morphed into a standoff.

 

Cassandra Cain, A.K.A. Orphan, was the only one more or less in position to check out the sensor ping in the park...

 

Orphan crouched atop the Mixtel Apartments and studied the holographic display being emitted by her gauntlet. Three Little Brown Bats, as the small semi-autonomous drones were called, were silently (at least to normal human senses) orbiting the coordinates Oracle had sent. A winking icon in the corner of the display indicated Oracle was also viewing the imagery feed. Interpolated phased radar, directed infrared, and visible spectrum cameras combined to produce a surprisingly good if monochromatic field of view; Orphan was studying the kinesthetic of the members of the group while Oracle ran comparisons on the Magik database that she and Batman had put together after Magik’s prior visit.

 

 _"Using Magik as the twelve o'clock, from the implants detected by the radars the woman at one o’clock is likely the female Wolverine clone, X-23. Unbreakable bones, claws from hands and feet of that same metal Catwoman's new claws are made of, and just as sharp; superhuman strength and speed, de facto immunity to chemical agents, ability to soak and rapidly heal even lethal damage in seconds, and she's a berserker."_ Oracle reported, her voice getting that absent tone that meant she was splitting her focus. _"Oh, and hyper-acute senses. Psychotic tendencies... Known killer. Her comic history is almost as bad as Magik's."_

Orphan wasn't nearly as concerned about her as the brightly dressed one next to her. _"Seven o'clock, Oracle. No pulse. Infrared shows body heat ambient to air, almost. She not breathing... Fangs. I see fangs when she speaks."_

 

Oracle's voice was crisp. _"Hypothesize Jubilation Lee. Has to be. Codename Jubilee. Cute. Cassie, she's a vampire. Energy projection abilities, very vague what she can do, besides the usual suite of abilities and weaknesses a vampire gets. Comics portray her as a heroine, though, says she doesn't kill. What's your loadout tonight?"_

 

_"Standard patrol."_

_"I'm sending you the heavy combat swapouts, and detailing some LBBs to you. You're on your own until things ease up. Strongly recommend you observe only. The woman at thee o’clock is likely Dina, codename Mirrage, she’s a warrior and supposedly a Valkyrie. The dark skinned woman at nine o’clock does not have a clear match, hypostasize she’s Monet St. Croix, code name M. Strength, speed, telekinesis, telepathy, speed, reflexes, she’s full kit.”_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out Marvel has turned Jubilee back into a human, and of course regained her mutant powers as well, so I suppose this might be the only time she’s going to be hunting with the Bad Girls. Being mortal again makes me think that she will be less interested in the games they play; not to mention being much more vulnerable. 
> 
> However…
> 
> LordGrise and I have a difference of opinion on that subject. LordGrise is of the opinion that a) she'd be very hurt and angry if she were snubbed from further invitations; b) her time as a vampire would leave her with more of a lust for life experiences than ever, and c) the predator's instincts she received during her time as a vampire will still be there, potentially more so than she might like. All we have to do is upgrade her gear a bit to compensate for her reduced durability, and away she goes like the energizer bunny (as we all know Jubilee can be).
> 
> What, gentle reader, do you think? Leave your opinion in your review comments, please? We really do wish to know.

Oh, and in LordGrise’s Batman fanfic universe, Ivy and Harley are a romantically committed couple. They’re no longer really villains (thanks to Batman), although they still drink at the Iceberg with the Rogues. They don't want to be separated, so they keep a (comparatively) low profile, these days. They hit a big score when… well… y'see...

 

And we both figure Illyana is a bit more vocal and expressive in the Bat-averse then in the Marvel universe because she’s on vacation as it were.

 

All typos and tense mistakes are my fault.

 

 

**Part 2a: THREE DAYS LATER**

 

Batman stared at the comm screen. Receiving assurances from Alfred that things were well in hand, apart from one of his own having gone off on some kind of mission related _bender_ , of all things, did not sit well with him, however unintended said bender had been. And Alfred’s answer that the mission report was the proper place to start when Batman, rather sternly, had enquired as to just what the hell had happened, did not sit well with him.

 

 _“A most insightful choice of words sir. You will find that Ms. Grayson and Ms. Kyle_ _have more then adequately detailed the events in the mission log; and perusing the document does provide you with something most productive to occupy your quarantine time.”_

**_“Alfred…”_ **

_“It’s all there Master Bruce. And a quick perusal will allow you to better formulate any remaining queries you will have. My apologies for the comment at the end of the file. A Ms. Lee, was most insistent that it be included. She extracted my promise that it would be; otherwise I fear we might still have her verbose presence dwelling amongst us. Master Dick offers additional apologies for the Batmobile, the bobble heads appear to be quite unremovable at this time. And before you ask they are of the three automotive celebrities of Top Gear. I shall be so bold as to state, on behalf of all of England, we are very embarrassed to have inflicted them upon the world.”_

 

Batman finally gave up trying to pry information out of Alfred and, after another long slurp upon the vegan smoothie, he opened the log entry and began to read. He promptly stopped at the first line.

 

Magik (Illyana Rasputin) had returned yet again, but this time she had brought some friends. Based upon Alfred’s comments Bruce surmised she was a Top Gear fan. With minor trepidation Bruce continued to read, his smoothie forgotten.

 

 

**Part 2b: Things that go bump (three days prior)**

**Jokerz.** A criminal gang affiliated with the Joker. Being Joker related meant that the gang was less involved in routine criminal activity and more inclined to murder and mayhem in general, rather then just criminal revenue opportunities.

 

 _“Hey little chickie…”_ Began the first male Jokerz gang member as he grabbed at Illyana, only to be knocked off his feet by a thrown beer bottle from Dani, She’d used a bottle that was conveniently handy, laying on the ground next to a waste container labeled Keep Gotham Clean, and she always did throw a mean pitch. A pitch that had bounced off of the J’s forehead.

 

The remaining gang members, likewise all male, attacked as they snarled at both the assault and the gall at the women for not even letting them get the opening line in.

 

 ** _“Remember the rules!”_** Shouted Illyana as she danced back, protecting the partially full wine bottle that she was still holding. Quickly she threw a spell at it, converting the fragile glass to something much more akin to steel, although still looking like glass.

 

 **“First point!”** Shouted Dani in victory, with a fist pump in the air, as she too backed away with Illyana.

 

 ** _“Not fair!”_** Hollered back Jubilee as she leapt into combat with a flying kick that knocked her targeted low life into the bushes. She followed up her attack by stomping his crotch and putting a quarter twist into her heel for style _. “You’re not supposed to interrupt the villain’s opening remarks! It ruins the mood!”_

 

Mazikeen drew a police baton from somewhere and engaged a J who was using two knives. _"Marginal assailants at best_... _”_ She commented as her erstwhile assailant went down after a relatively gentle knock to the head. She didn't bother with the crotch stomp; it wasn't like he'd feel it… and a good stomping deserved an appreciative response.

 

Laura was also under attack by two incompetents who were waving switchblades like they were some kind of Harry Potter magic wands. She refrained from popping her claws and just used her fists and feet to take them down. She did seize the opportunity to practice two of the crotch attack moves she had observed, and found them both to be highly effective at immobilizing the foe and personally quite satisfying.

 

Illyana refrained from doing anything other then taking a swig of wine from the bottle and then giving few test swings with it like it was miniature baseball bat. Still masses like a wine bottle but no breakage potential any more. A few droplets of wine scattered across the area, generating little gaslight blue vapors that swirled across the ground.

 

 _“Restraining yourself, Illyana?”_ Joked Dani as she watched the brief fight.

 

 _“Naaaa, just letting the others have a little fun_...” Was her reply.

 

Just then, the J who had been hit with Dani’s bottle staggered to his feet, only to bonked on the head by Illyana with the wine bottle, which flattened the criminal once again. Why no crotch attack, gentle readers? Well, Illyana was the only one who had not seen the video, and Hell Lords usually refrain from direct physical combat as they considered it déclassé; Illyana being a definite exception to that rule. But One supposes she would be willing to give you a stomp if you asked nicely, usually Hell Lords metaphysically hit you in the balls, rather than literally.

 

However, Dani had seen the video, and as the hapless, and rather concussed, gang member staggered to his feet yet again, he received crotch attack technique number 47 (boot to the groin) from Dani. A short cry of agony and the thug was down clutching his balls and trying breathlessly to moan; which Mazikeen silenced with a quick kick to his head as she walked back over to Dani and Illyana.

 

Mazikeen spoke with a sneer in both her voice and expression. _“Pathetic. These scum aren’t even worthy of crotch stomps. I’ve fought dogs that did better. Blind three legged dogs.”_

Dani was beginning to have a few second thoughts about the whole crotch thing as she surveyed the groaning and crying criminals. _“I don't know about this. Looks… nasty. Somehow I don’t think Captain America runs around whacking bad guys in the nut sack.”_

 

 _“Then he is a fool.”_ snarled Mazikeen. _“Battle is about winning_ ; _only fools babble about it being fair.”_

 

 _“Then he’s mine!”_ Was Jubilees jubilant cry, only to be stopped by Dani with a minor rebuke. _“Chill girl, he’s out cold.”_

Jubilee pouted at Dani for a second, then backed up a few feet. Jubilee was quite convinced as to the battle utility of what she had learned as she practiced a few swings with her foot. _“Down and out! Just think how many battles the X-Men fought that would have been over so much faster if we had just punched them in the 'nads. I mean… do you hear any witty banter from these idiots? Any threats? Ha! Imagine how quick a Thor Loki battle would be if Thor just zorched Loki in his danglies with that hammer he has. Though I suppose he’d have to rename the hammer… Hmmm what’s Norse for ball buster?”_

_“Testicles, they're clutching their testicles.”_ Observed Laura, being specific as always as she briefly thought upon Loki receiving a blow to the crouch from Thor’s Hammer. _“And as it has never happened, I imagine Thor must think it dishonorable or something.”_

_“Asgardian combat rules.”_ Was Illyana’s comment as she gave the bottle another practice swing. _“They frown on that.”_

_“That is why the Roman combat methods were so effective in mass combat…”_ Began Laura only to be interrupted by Jubilee.

_“Balls, testicles, nut sacks, **who cares!”** _ Shouted an exuberant Jubilee, her eyes glowing incarnadine with her excitement.  _“Bring it on!”_

 

Meanwhile, in the alley across the street, the two senior Jokerz who had set this little test to their newbie noobs looked at each other. One spoke to the other. " _Dusted, man. All of 'em bounced dirty. Who these bitches think they are? Even the Bats don't do the nards like that! They need to show some respect!""_

 

The other pulled out a cell phone and uploaded the video they had just taken to their super-secret app (It’s called U-Tube for those in the know, they even had their own channel. Oddly, it posted instantly, instead of taking the usual several hours to do so). _"Gotta be a party, man! Nobody disses us like that! Gonna do them hard an' dirty!"_

 

The call went out, and suddenly a LOT of Jokerz found themselves able to respond, almost as if… something had cleared out their calendars and ensured that they would be close by. Purely random chance, that. Just a coincidence….

 

Meanwhile…

 

 _“Calm down_ , _Jubes.”_ Was the advice from Dani.

 

 _“She has her blood up.”_ Smiled Mazikeen. _“Perhaps there is more to this little youngling vampire then mindless prattle_ , _after all.”_ A comment that earned Mazikeen a glare that from Jubilee that Mazikeen pretended not to see.

 

Dani swiped the wine bottle from Illyana, took a swig, and passed it on to Laura, who likewise took a drink, and then passed it to Mazikeen who drained what was left and passed the bottle back to Illyana. Meanwhile Jubilee retrieved a small flask from her jacket and took a swig of blood (from a blood bank for those who want to know).

 

 _“Okay… now what Yana?”_ Asks Dani as she looked about.

 

Illyana was busy looking at a rooftop with a slight grin. The grin remained as she turned and replied. _“We could go to that club I mentioned.”_

 

Laura was also looking up.  _“There are drones above us.”_ She commented.  _“Muted, but I can hear the turbines.”_

 

 _“Batsies, or the Bat, but definitely Oracle then.”_ replied Illyana. _“ **Ha!** Point one out to me.”_

Laura pointed and Illyana flicked a casting that way with a mischievous grin. Oracle cursed as the words **Hi Oracle!** ' Flared orange in her monitor as the spell burned the words into the drone’s camera lens.

 

 _“That was fun… she’ll be so pissed.”_ Giggled Illyana, who took another swig from the spontaneously refilled wine bottle. More drops of the dark red liquid sloshed from the bottle, and where they touched the ground, further puffs of gaslight blue vapor swirled and evanesced into the gathering faint mists. This noticed but unremarked fact, plus the sight of a giggling Illyana, and her not been embarrassed about it, was to later be recognized as the first clues that maybe… things were beginning to head in the direction of getting out of hand.

 

Which they immediately did.

 

Mazikeen tossed the baton to her left hand and drew a knife with her right hand while Laura tensed, they both sensed the same thing.

 

The next wave of Jokerz attacking.

 

**Part 2c: One minute earlier, back on the roof…**

 

Four more drones arrived with a gossamer shriek of counter-thrusting turbine, each carrying a portion of a heavy combat belt. Quickly, Orphan performed the swapouts, attaching the replaced subunits around her thigh to form an ancillary equipment garter belt.

 

Orphan was just beginning to relax; the first five green haired assailants had gone down rapidly, but none of the takedowns looked too violent, apart from the rather flagrant groin attacks. Certainly the perps were all still breathing, (even if some of them currently wished otherwise), which was Orphan's primary concern. Now if only the suspected vampire didn't start draining them…

 

The women had gathered back together discussing something and mocking their fallen foes. But then the one designated M had suddenly pulled a knife as the massing Jokerz swarmed towards the park and the women as though homing in on a signal.

 

Many held switchblades and stilettos, other’s had baseball bats and even some firearms. The streetlights glittered wickedly on the weapons as dozens of J’s flooded towards the clearing. One, surrounded by what could only be described as a guard force, carried a bottle, sealed in purple wax.

 

 _"Drones, airlift, now!"_ Orphan snapped as she threw herself off the side of the building. The acknowledge symbol flashed in Orphan's heads up display, letting her know that Oracle had seen as well and was coordinating with Gotham PD, alerting them to the developing situation.

 

As one, the four drones took formation around her, two slapping into her hands, the other two latching onto her boots, altering her fall into a swooping glide that carried her into the park and over the Jokerz. As she approached, she took the time to designate four of the oblivious gang members for tasing, before releasing the drones. The drones on her feet released first, allowing Orphan to swing into an attack posture before she let go of the drones in her hands; then all four arced into their targets, and brought them unconscious and convulsing to the ground. She allowed herself a predator's grin as she fell like an ebon thunderbolt onto a fifth and likewise rode him into the grass and unconsciousness. Only she and Damian could pull off that drone maneuver: due to their greater weight the drones could not support the other Bat-folk well enough. Then she was rolling off her unwilling landing pad and attacking the Js from behind.

 

 

**Part 2d: Get ready to rumble!**

 

The Bad Girls assumed a defensive formation, with Illyana anchoring the center, Dani behind her armed with her psychic bow and arrows (the energy arrows can stun an opponent by disrupting their nervous system) Laura to the left of Illyana and Mazikeen on the right. Jubilee stood behind Dani both to protect the rear and to function as a mobile reserve. They braced themselves as the Jokerz attacked without plan or organization, just a green haired human wave.

 

 _“Battle Royal!”_ Shouted Dani as she released her first mystic arrow which took down one of the armed hooligans

 

 _“Burger in France!”_ shouted back Jubilee. A proclamation that earned her questioning looks from all the other girls.

 

Dani fired another arrow and then got the reference. “ _That’s Royal with cheese, not battle royal, you’re misquoting Pulp Fiction! Again!”_

 

 _“What is this 'Pulp Fiction'?”_ Inquired Mazikeen as she blocked a knife strike from one opponent with her baton. Her own blade licked out, and her assailant shrieked as all the tendons in his knife hand released. Such was Mazikeen's skill that none of the nerves or major blood vessels were damaged. Then he quieted as Mazikeen tapped his head with the dagger's pommel while swinging the baton up and into the privates of another J.

 

Neither Illyana or Laura knew or had time to answer Mazikeen's query while they fought, as neither of them had ever seen the film. Illyana was wielding the open wine bottle as it was a short sword, scattering drops of wine in wide swathes. Yet more gaslight blue vapors rose, and a mists began to deepen. Laura had popped the blades in her right hand; with that hand she destroyed guns and knives as they came into reach. Blood began to spatter the soil as well.

 

 _“Great film!”_ Was Jubilee’s replay as she joined the fray as she defended both sides of Dani using her vampire speed. _“It’s this weird crime film directed by Quentin Tarantino, great guy, I’ve seen all his films, but never when Shogo’s awake because he’s just a kid and you shouldn’t show such stuff to kids. But anyway, this film has John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Samuel Jackson, Uma what’s her name, and some other nobodies in it. There are these two hit man, played by Travolta and Jackson, and they show up at this apartment looking for this briefcase for their boss. They end up shooting one of the guys after speaking this great dialog and delivering this dramatic bible quote. Later they’re at this 1950’s themed restaurant where some crooks try to steal it from them. But before that Uma has a drug overdose from some heroin that Travolta had, but only after they win the dance trophy. Meanwhile Bruce has been bribed to throw a fight, which he doesn’t, and ends up saving the mobster boss who bribed him, after he meets the gimp in this black spandex bondage suit; but before all of that, Travolta and Jackson have to clean up after they accidentally shoot this guy which is a great scene by the way. Then…”_

One of the Jokerz paused in the fight and excitedly exclaimed _. “That’s my favorite scene!”_

_“Good, hated the film, nighty-night now.”_ Muttered Dani as she shot him with an energy arrow right in the crotch. An act that enraged the J’s even more. Ball shots and now classic cinema graphic disrespect as well! **Get 'em!**

 

Meanwhile Oracle watched the ongoing battle from various viewpoints as her three LBBs circled. Whatever was in that bottle was creating a mist that was starting to obscure her cameras, infrared as well as visual spectrum. She switched main observation mode to radar.

 

Laura dodged a shotgun blast, pivoted, and sliced the shotgun in half before stabbing the assailant thru both kneecaps and leaving him also shrieking in agony. Mazikeen took a moment to appreciate the artistry that Laura had demonstrated. Damn, that girl has potential! Before grabbing the bottle from Illyana to take another hit before continuing the fight. She tossed the bottle back to Illyana while Jubilee floated around them, half vaporous cloud, half terrifying vampiress battle-queen while she continued to explain the film.

 

 _“Then Bruce is looking for his father’s watch, which his totally hot French girlfriend forgot to get… or was that before the spandex_ _gimp scene where the mob boss is getting totally power roto-rootered by this pawn shop hillbilly? Only towards the end of the film do you realize that the whole film is out of sequence because Bruce ends up shooting Travolta in the bathroom of his apartment after…”_

 

Then, from stage left, a warrior shriek of **" _Hang on, 'yana, we're comin'!"_** Presaged a sixth combatant expertly wielding a carnival maul as though it were a nerf bat, tripping a J with the shaft one moment before twirling and pounding another off his feet into an immobile heap.

 

Oracle's lips thinned as she realized precisely who had just joined in. But where is…

 

The one with the bottle reared back, clearly preparing to throw his SmileX nerve gas bomb. Then, whip fast, vines shot out of the darkness, immobilizing him and snatching him shrieking into the shadows between the trees. His despairing cries got everyone's attention while and the bottle traced a lazy path in the air, flipping end for end, before Jubilee did one of her vampire leaps to catch it before it could hit the ground. Jubilee rose up from the ground, eyes blazing red, her figure outlined in gaslight blue, and flourished the bottle. _“Bring it on, bitches! We'll take you all!”_

 

The remaining Jokerz turned, attempting to flee from the sight of a battle-roused vampiress holding the deadliest object they knew how to make, and ran straight into a phalanx of bat-drones, marshaled by a VERY unamused Orphan. Shrieks followed as they underwent mass tasing, then relative silence reigned, broken only by the groans and moans of the fallen and the background serenade of sirens as GCPD rushed to the scene. The drones busied themselves securing the Jokerz with extruded zip ties and adhesive foam.

 

For some reason, only then was Orphan’s presence finally noticed by both the Jokerz and the Bad Girls. Illyana waved at Orphan while saying. _“Thought that was you on the building_. _Girls, this is Orphan, one of the Bat Clan…”_

 

A red-headed woman emerged regally from the trees, apparently clad in leaves. Vines extended along the ground before her, offering the captured J as if for ritual sacrifice. _“You must be Illyana.”_ Was Ivy’s comment as she examined the lot of them. Hmmm... no males at all, an assembly of impressive feminine power the like of which she'd not seen in some time. She nodded in approval.

 

 _“And you must be Ivy… Love the vines.”_ Replied Illyana.

 

Harley then introduced herself by shaking everybody’s hand while stating. _“Name’s Harley, pleased ta mecha!”_

 

 _“Why you all here?”_ Inquired Orphan of Illyana in that terse speaking style Orphan sometimes reverted to.

 

The others, apart from Harley and Ivy, all eyed this new woman wearing black skin-tight battledress with the classic matte yellow equipment belt. A second such belt adorned her left leg, a weaponized garter, which was giving Dani some ideas. Her cowl covered all of her head; her eyes were night dark in contrast to Batman, who preferred opalescent white for his eye lenses. Symbolic stitches surrounded the mouth and chin of the mask. A yellow-rimmed black bat logo showed her affiliation as clearly as her scalloped night dark cloak.

 

Just who is Orphan, you ask, oh gentle reader? She is Cassandra Cain, the biological daughter of the assassin David Cain. She was deliberately deprived of speech and human contact during her childhood by her father, as conditioning to become the world's greatest assassin. Her first languages were body nuance and violence. This enables her to routinely perceive minute changes in anyone's expressions, breathing, muscles, joint position, and center of gravity, which in turn allows her to see or "predict" an opponent's moves before they happen. Consequently, Cassandra grew up to become a superhumanly skilled martial artist, at the cost of being mute, illiterate, and utterly unsocialized. After coming to the Bat-Clan, she learned to speak and read, but still tends to be very terse. She is the adoptive daughter of Bruce Wayne. Wikipedia is suggested for those who wish for more details.

 

Illyana briefly ignored the ongoings and summoned one of the monitoring LBBs via the simple expedient of reaching though a portal that she summoned and snagging it. She pulled it back through the portal and brought it to face her.

 

_“Oracle stop struggling with it, I’ll release it in a second. I know you can hear me, so record for this for the police, and I believe it will answer your question as well, Orphan.”_

The drone stopped trying to pull away and just hovered. A tiny red light blinked on. Illyana gestured for the others to join her and they took up positions behind her. Behind them, Ivy and Harley smiled for the camera as well. Jubilee and Harvey were both making funny faces as Illyana dictated her recording.

_“Ladies and gentlemen of the Gotham City Police Department, and particularly_ _Commissioner Gordon._ _Greetings, I am Magik and we are the Bad Girls…”_

_“Bad Girlz!”_ Interrupted Jubilee with emphases on the z. _"Gotta get the **growl** in there!"_

 

Illyana glared at Jubilee before continuing.  “ _Bad Girlz."_   She held up the Smilex bottle she had retrieved from Jubilee _. "These are Jokerz… and this is a SmileX bomb. They were going to use it on us; the video should be in the GCPD drop box even you hear this. We’ll let you all clean this mess up… and why are we here? To fight crime!”_

 

 _“And Par-tay!”_ shouts Jubilee. _“Don’t forget the party! And chew bubblegum! Bet they make me an honorary Robin before the night is done! I’d so make a great Robin… Just the other days I was telling…”_

_“I thought it was mostly to enjoy physical violence under the guise of fighting crime.”_ Was Mazikeen’s contribution while Dani tried to shush Jubilee.

 

The red light blinked out on the LBB as Oracle’s voice projected from the LBB. _“That’s a cut Magik_. _I’ll trim it up a bit before I pass it on. Why are you here again?”_

 

Dani stage whispered to Illyana. _“They don’t appear to be very welcoming…”_

 

Illyana stage whispered back, knowing the drone was catching it all clearly. _“I did burn down Arkham Asylum the first time I was here… totally justified by the way, I’ll explain later.”_ Dani’s surprised expression clearly conveyed her thought: Yes, indeed, you will explain later.

Jubilee was still going on about being a Robin, an exposition that Harley was now encouraging as Harley was totally agreeing that indeed, she’d make a great Robin, especially with that coat...

 

Orphan stage whispered to Illyana. “ _She ever stop talking?”_

Dani grins and replies. _“No… We think it’s one of her super powers.”_

Oracle meanwhile wanted to hit her head on her console. Dear God, they're here to fight crime, party, and chew bubble gum. And Bruce isn’t here. And I'll bet they forgot the bubblegum...

 

Jubilee of course then stated quite loudly. “I _got cherry an' watermelon bubble gum if anybody wants some! Oh, hey Illyana, since you seem to be good with the Bat, can we get a tour of the Batcave?”_

Moments later everybody, except Mazikeen and Orphan, were chewing bubble gum and even blowing a few bubbles as they all expressed interest in a Batcave tour. Oracle's metaphorical desire to pound her head against her console intensified.

 

Oracle couldn’t quite believe the words that then came out of her mouth. _“Okay, Deal. No killing while you're here, you fight crime, you don't burn anything down again, and I'll set up a tour of the Batcave_.” **Oh my God, did I just say that?!**

 

Illyana retrieved the wine bottle, took another swig, and passed it around.  **_"_** ** _Deal."_** All of the Bad Girlz drank to the agreement, even Jubilee after first smelling it and apparently liking what she smelled. In the Clock Tower, Oracle suddenly tasted good red wine as she sipped from her water bottle.

 

Harley then inquired.  _“Hey, 'yana... We got nothing doing tonight. Is this a private party or do you got room for two more?”_

 

Jubilee tossed the wine bottle to Harley after quick nods and grins between the five indicated the two Sirens were all good by them. Harley took a long pull, and then handed the bottle to Ivy she exclaimed.

_"Oh hell yeah! Night Train, is that? Ooooh, that's got a kick!"_

 

Ivy sipped, her eyes widened, and she took a longer swallow. _"Oh my... that could grow on me..."_

 

Oracle felts like the words were being pulled from her mouth as she keyed Orphan’s radio channel. “ _We can't leave this lot unsupervised_. _Orphan, you’d best go along to keep them out of trouble.”_

_“One more?”_ Inquired Orphan, as she somewhat shyly held up a finger for attention.

 

 _“Hell yeah! Climb on board girl!”_ was Jubilee’s exuberant reply as she handed Orphan the bottle. Orphan accepted it as if it was the SmileX bottle, not intending to so much as sniff it... but the slightest, most ethereal tendril of gaslight blue wafted from the bottle to her mask, and she found herself taking a small sip after lifting up her mask. Just a sip... one little sip of what was not really wine anymore, but a vintrified essence of magical chaos.

 

 _“Where is everybody Oracle?”_ Inquired Illyana as she watched Orphan imbibe with approval. Maybe she's not as stiff as I thought... _“I’d have figured Batman would be here by now.”_

_“Batman is… unavailable_. _Currently Spoiler and Red Robin are dealing with a robbery that has become a standoff… “_ Oracle clamped her hands over her mouth, but it was far too late.

 

 _“This is a job for… **the Bad Girlz!** ”_ was Jubilee’s giggled cry as she pirated a certain Super Somebody’s catch phrase.

 

Illyana prepared to open a portal... and then a thought occurred to her. This is Gotham, we should see the sights on the way. She led the way towards the park entrance with a sharp gesture, the bottle making the rounds as they went. As they exited the park, Illyana stuck two fingers in her mouth and whistled sharply, as if summoning a taxi. The sound echoed weirdly, as if channeled in directions not obvious. Somewhere close by, a garage door rattled up where but moments before had been a brick wall, and a number of engines, some heavy, revved softly.

 

A long, low limo eased out of the darkness quietly. She was, not a mere black, but a polished ebon hue that seemingly shifted as her length slid thru the pool of light cast by the streetlight. Her headlights were slitted diagonal cuts that somehow conveyed the impression of eyes, and her grille literally grinned, the vee shape defined by thin vertical bars of chromed steel that interlocked. The long, long low hood had two rows of slits like nostrils, and emitted the darkly deep burble of automotive power that every muscle car aspires to, but so very few ever truly achieve.

 

The car pulled up at the curb, the grumble of the engine reverberating in the air.

 

 _"Ohhh..."_ all the Girlz breathed. Harley said it best. _"Momma like."_

 

The back door opened and they all piled in as the stereo burst into thundering life.

**_Now, on the day I was born_ **

**_The nurses all gathered 'round_ **

**_And they gazed in wide wonder_ **

**_At the joy they had found_ **

**_The head nurse spoke up_ **

**_Said "leave this one alone"_ **

**_She could tell right away_ **

**_That I was bad to the bone_ **

****

**_Bad to the bone_ **

**_Bad to the bone_ **

**_B-b-b-b-b-b-b-bad_ **

**_B-b-b-b-b-b-b-bad_ **

**_B-b-b-b-b-b-b-bad_ **

****

**_Bad to the bone_ **

****

**_I broke a thousand hearts_ **

**_Before I met you_ **

**_I'll break a thousand more, baby_ **

**_Before I am through_ **

…

…

 

It was Bad to the Bone by George Thorogood and the Destroyers.

 

The car pulled away down a dark alley with the song echoing off the urban canyon like walls while the Girlz, apart from Cassandra, sang the chorus **_“Bad to the bone!”_** Then, feeling socially daring… Cassandra joined in on one chorus.

 

This is going to be a long _,_ long night thought Oracle as she hurriedly radioed Spoiler and Red Robin that they were about to have company. She then took a deep breath before keying open Nightwing's channel.

 

 _“Dear…”_ Barbara begin, she paused for a moment, for a second there she could have sworn she heard Cassie's voice raised in the chorus of _“Bad to the Bone_ ”… Nah. She never sings… _“We have a complicated situation developing…”_

 

 

**Part 2e: Enter the Dojo**

Somewhere else… A distant place not of this earth but instead the earth of Illyana. To be more precise Albuquerque New Mexico, on the corner of… Hmmm that might be too precise… call it a mysterious unknown desert location… Yeah that sounds better. At a mysterious desert location, not in downtown Albuquerque, nor outside of Albuquerque, but close unto an In-n-Out, we see a man clothed in a red cotton karate uniform tied with a multiply knotted black belt. His legs are crossed as he is deep in meditation within his training Dojo at the aforementioned mysterious location, not located deep in suburbia, in Albuquerque, two blocks from an In-n-Out.

 

However, he was not sitting upon the training the mats, no… he was upside down with his legs crossed while balanced on the pinkie of his left hand.

 

It was Master Ken, 11th degree black belt. Creator of the marshal art Ameri-Do-Te ™. He had taken the best parts of every other style in the world and none of the weaknesses!

 

His Dojo is a laboratory of violence…which makes him a Professor of Pain…with a Master’s Degree in Mutilation and a Doctorate in Destruction. He also has an Associates Degree in Massage Therapy. Every part of his body is a weapon, even his mustache.

 

Master Ken has a saying, which was prominently displayed on his web site and mentioned repeatedly by him in his videos.

 

_“Ever studied Kung Fu? Tae-kwon-do? Krav Maga? They’re all **BULLSHIT**. Only Ameri-Do-Te will give you the skill to survive a real life street encounter.   Don’t waste time with cardio kickboxing or old fashioned karate. Forget using traditional weapons. In Ameri-Do-Te… **YOU** are the weapon. (To be clear: We do also have weapons training. But once you become a weapon you are even more dangerous. Because you’re a weapon holding a weapon. Imagine if you saw a knife holding a gun. Would you try to rob it? Of course not. And not because knives don’t have pockets to carry money. But because as a criminal in that situation you are twice as likely to be injured or killed. Understand? No? Then you need Ameri-Do-Te!) And no, the Dojo does not take American Express, mostly because they charge an extra two percent transaction fee.”_

 

Master Ken’s most dedicated student, Todd Woodland (blue belt), was likewise engaged in meditation. He was sprawled on a training mat, two empty In-n-Out Double Double wrappers besides him, an empty vanilla shake cup, and a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

 

Master Ken opened his eyes and softly declared. _“There are doubters of Ameri-Do-Te.”_ He gracefully unfolded and shifted to a standing position. _“Come Todd, we must show them the error of their ways.”_

 

Todd was unresponsive, deep in… meditation (which involved a vision of him defeating a dozen Swedish female ninjas, who were naked for some reason, armed only with…).

 

_“Todd?”_

 

Todd was just about to unleash his master blow when…

 

_“Todd.”_

 

Six on one! A new record as Todd single handedly…

 

**_“TODD!”_ **

 

Todd awoke from the dream… I mean ceased meditating.

 

_“Sorry Master Ken… I was deep in the visions of Ameri-Do-Te.”_

 

 _“Think nothing of it… There are those who doubt what is taught here. Come_ , _Todd, they must be shown the error of their ways.”_

 

Master Ken focused his chi and punched the universe in its crotch, thereby opening a portal between dimensions, a tiger face shaped hole (the Marvel female hero America was able to punch a star shaped portal into existence due to the teachings of Master Ken but was sworn to never reveal who had taught her). Masker Ken entered the portal, and Todd followed, after tripping over the Jack Daniels bottle and plunging head first into the portal.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reminder that this is a true joint LordGrise and Dhalpin production, a blending of writing styles and character interpretations. LordGrise tends to have Illyana be a bit more chatty then my writing (I am very much a less is more when it comes to most Illyana dialog), but in this case Illyana is also under the influence so that partially explains some of her verbosity. Plus I think she’s more expressive in the DC universe. LordGrise apparently took my first girls night out story (Chapter 6 of Tag I’m It) as a challenge to kick it up a few notches (which he has most certainly done in this and the next few chapters).

**Part 3a: THREE DAYS LATER**

 

Batman hated magic, small m, spelled with a c. Or the 'M' word as many of his companions referred to magical events around him as even the mention of magic tended to cause a bat scowl and a bat grunt from Batman at the topic in general and the idea of ‘M” in particular.

 

Data

Analysis

Deduction

Extrapolation

Action

 

These were the tools the Batman used to probe and solve crimes. Pure problem solving. Not… the M word. The absence of hocus pocus. No speaking words backwards to invoke a spell. A complete lack of mystic visions or the spirits whispering clues, leaving only true detective work.

 

Magik on the other hand (large M, spelled with a k), was an occasional visitor to his universe. One that nobody in the Justice League currently knew how to manage other then by playing nice. She appeared to mostly “vacation” as she called it; the 'A' suite in Lex’s Las Vegas ultralux timeshare condo property was hers. Bruce knew that she also had properties in various other major cities and resort areas, almost like safe houses; and he strongly (and correctly) suspected that there were additional properties she owned that he did not know about - in other words, real safe houses. He had made no real effort to find all that existed because; after all, Magik was a time traveler, and she could as easily purchase a property centuries ago and create caretaker arrangements as she might stroll into a realtor's office today.

 

Magik did practice magic wherever she went. But whenever she came by, one could generally track where she'd been via the zones of devastation she left behind if anyone were unwise enough to attack her. Her latest escapade was a classic example; no sooner had she arrived in this universe this time than she had been attacked by the Jokerz. And in just that one encounter, fully half of the known Jokerz gang members in Gotham had been apprehended on charges ranging from simple assault to possession and attempted deployment of a weapon of mass destruction.

 

Wherever she went, she got results. Lots of results. And thankfully she appeared willing to conform to his rules.

 

Batman read the attached police reports and the preliminary toxicology analysis of the bottle’s contents; the vast majority of the charges against the incarcerated Jokerz were likely to stand, thanks in no small part to the video evidence he was currently watching. Her companions all appeared very skilled in melee combat; but the number and variety of groin attacks had him wincing. He didn't encourage the use of such tactics; public opinion was an issue in these days of disseminated mass media, and the potential for unnecessary and unwanted injuries was unacceptable to him; plus… well.. he was male…

 

He was pleased to find that the database creation effort concerning Magik appeared to have paid dividends: all but one of Magik's other-world companions were identified, with co-referenced summaries from published comics. The one called Mazikeen was an exception however. He made a note of the need to further research the name.

 

And just what had happened to the Batmobile? As Batman read on, he found himself increasingly applying biofeedback techniques as he felt the onset of a stress headache and associated heartburn. The veggie smoothie, having a dairy base, did help...

 

**Part 3b: Cassandra reflections…**

 

As the black reto limo pulled up, Cassandra (Orphan) thought upon the social dynamics of this little group. Her ability to read subtle body language had shown her much. Illyana was in charge, but in an oddly covert way, which was very different from the 'I’m in charge' presence that Batman always projected in group setting. Illyana was deliberately deferring to others, taking a lesser role then she could, for reasons that Orphan could not discern.

 

Harley and Ivy gave every impression of being out for a night on the town, out to party, and accidentally hooking up with a fun group. What the two considered to be a fun night out was, of course, concerning.

 

Dani, the American Indian woman, gave the strong impression that she was used to being in charge. There was also a familiarity between her and Illyana that spoke of friendship and hinted at possibly other, more intimate, things.

 

The woman Mazikeen was a conundrum. Her body language was as deceptive as Illyana’s, something that strongly suggested Mazikeen was likewise not human. What she deliberately projected was a brazenly aggressive and abrasive attitude that practically screamed her utter and absolute disregard for the threat potential of everyone except Illyana whom she consented to apparently consider an equal. Cassandra suspected a deeply held fear of weakness, so much was she overcompensating.

 

Laura eerily felt just like Cassandra. Quiet. Observant. And they both kept catching the other covertly examining the other out of the corner of their eyes. The most dangerous fighter of this group, thought Cassandra. Those claws of hers… very nasty, only a fool would wish to engage her in hand to hand combat.

 

Which led to the vampire, the one called Jubilee, of apparently unending chatter. It was a good act, if it was an act. But vampires were undead, and body language was mostly demonstrated by living beings. Vampires were to be feared... But no one here was demonstrating any unconscious fear or concerns about Jubilee. She was simply one of the group, and was even Mazikeen's preferred target for her edged teasing. Jubilee, for her part, simply didn't rise to Mazikeen's provocations; in fact, she seemed alternately amused or ignored whatever was being implied by Mazikeen. But some could lie with their body language, as Cassandra recalled from the time she and Illyana had sparred in the Batcave.

 

**BEGIN CASSANDRA MEMORY FLASHBACK**

 

 _“Lie.”_ Stated Cassandra as she fought hand to hand with Illyana. The fight was only a practice fight, but was quite intense. Her statement only elicited a wicked grin from Illyana.

 

Cassandra had just attempted to block an attack that had not in fact happened, while being struck by an attack that Illyana’s body language had not indicated.

 

Cassandra, also known as Orphan and the legally adopted daughter of Bruce Wayne, was a martial arts prodigy and able to read the intent of body language better then anybody.

 

Again she was fooled into attempting to block an attack that did not happened. This continued off and one throughout the melee, with Cassandra occasionally injection her observations.

 

_“Lie.”_

 

_“Lie again.”_

 

_“Lie.”_

 

Finally they took a break.

 

 _“How do?”_ Was Cassandra’s question. Her terse speaking was because she had been deprived of speech and human contact during her childhood as conditioning to become the world's greatest assassin; she had also been illiterate. She’d since overcome these deliberate defects, but sometimes regressed to very terse speaking forms.

 

Illyana shrugged. _“Demons lie. Can’t have the body revealing the falsehood.”_

 

_“You teach?”_

 

_“Not sure, never been asked. Mostly a demon thing but…”_

 

Practice resumed and Illyana endeavored to show how it was done, with mixed results because it really was a demon thing.

 

**END CASSANDRA MEMORY FLASHBACK**

 

Cassandra finished her musing as she stepped into the car. This was a violent and potentially disastrous gathering of females, one that she was not surprised that Oracle (Barbara) wished her to monitor.

 

And yet, the group felt… good? Comfortable? It was a very odd feeling for Cassandra.

 

 

**Part 3c: Bad to the bone...**

 

With the bass thundering, each of the Girlz - with the exceptions of Illyana herself and Dani - blinked with surprise as they stepped down and into the limousine. The music reduced to a conversational level as they did so, but still all of them sang the chorus loudly when the song reached a chorus line. Cassandra impulsively joined in on the last chorus of the song, to cheers of _“you go girl!”_ afterwards from Jubilee and Harley.

 

**_“BAD TO THE BONE!”_ **

 

From the outside the car had appeared to be a standard length limousine, seating six to eight in reasonable comfort, probably along a single bench seat, with perhaps a loveseat defining the far end along with a minibar. Intimate might be a good word for such accommodations for such a crowd. With, of course, some cool retro styling on the exterior.

 

What they found was different. Very different. It was impossibly spacious, the girls found there was more than enough headroom to comfortably stand. A pedestal coffee table the color of honey and inset with a sheet of dark glass set center of the room, and surrounding it was actual furniture. An ebon dark leather theatre style couch with each of its several arms containing multiple jack in points and two drink holders dominated the space immediately beyond the coffee table. A pair of generously wide loveseats in the same style sat at either end of the table, equally well appointed as the couch. A full wet bar (!) with three generously stocked rows of decanters sat to the right of the entrance, against the forward wall of the space. A modest set of double doors denoted the presumptive entry to the actual drivers' cabin.

 

Similarly placed on the rear wall was an ornate closed top desk inlaid with a fan of flaming katanas protecting a coat of arms. It was flanked by two equally ornate bookcases with glassed in doors. One of these was stocked with a rainbow of apparently archaic leather-bound tomes, the other, with open doors, had = slimmer trade paperbacks and hardbound trade comic collections. Varying bat sigils were apparent on every volume of the top shelf. A full length mirror that appeared to be made of polished obsidian stood by the entrance, in a position such that one could check one's look before exiting. The carpet was a deep, deep red shag, sinfully soft and luxuriant. A curtained off archway to the left obviously led to a hallway and additional spaces deeper to the rear...

 

 _“What the heck, Illyana?!”_ Exclaimed Jubilee as the song died away. _“It’s just like a Doctor Who episode. It’s bigger on the inside!”_

 

Laura and Mazikeen, of course, responded with the inevitable _“Doctor Who?”_ comment, like everybody did on the show when first hearing the titular name. Illyana’s response, however, was decidedly out of the norm.

 

_“Sanctimonious know it all jerk - can’t even drive straight...”_

 

A response that elicited a confused response from Jubilee and Dani. _“Who?”_

 

 _“Exactly.”_ Was Illyana’s irritated reply. Then, seeing their confusion, Illyana beat a hasty conversational retreat; or so it seemed in hindsight. _“The TV show I mean… I don’t like… it. He… acts pompous.”_

 

Dani, and some of the others, were not quite convinced. Mazikeen, of course, cared not a whit about Doctor Who-ever; she immediately gravitated to the bar and liberated a bottle from the top shelf.

 

**BEGIN ILLYANA MEMORY FLASHBACK**

 

The Tenth Doctor Who was busy explaining to his companion Rose Tyler, the nuances of temporal dimensional travel, as she had asked if running into things was a frequent problem with the Tardis (the answer was yes but the Doctor was not about to admit to that). He was busy throwing various switches on the console while explaining as to the supposed rarity of such events.

 

_“No Rose, only vehicles or entities enclosed within a dimensional time field are able to interact with constructs like the Tardis. Such events are quite rare. Nothing to concern yourself with.”_

 

So… you can likely guess what happened next, almost like this was the beginning of an episode.

 

There was a shuddering jolt in the structure of the Tardis, accompanied with a smashing sound from the front doorway while the two occupants were thrown to the floor as sparks erupted from the Tardis main control panel. And of course the lights flickered dramatically. The shuddering stopped after a few seconds.

 

 _“As you were saying Doctor…?”_ stated Rose as she grabbed a railing to help herself to her feet. And yes she did sound a touch sarcastic.

 

The Doctor grasped a lever on the control panel and used it to both help himself up and to shut down the Tardis drive. _“Rare does not mean impossible. I myself like to do three impossible things before lunch, good for the digestion.”_

 

Then the Doctor announced, with his usual smug smirk... _“Let’s go see what we’ve encountered.”_

 

The Doctor jogged over to the door, opening it in a kind of a ta-da way, only to receive a punch in the nose from an outraged blonde who was standing in the doorway. A blonde who was sporting a very bloody and possibly broken nose. She looked to be in her early twenties, dressed in a black pair of short shorts, a black top with a boob window, tall black boots, black gloves, plus she has some kind of black sticks stuck in her hair. There was also some weird black spiky armor on her left shoulder. Her temper was not improved by the blood pooling in her left palm, which she was holding over her nose, blood which was dripping all over her cleavage.

 

 ** _“You! Imbecile!”_** Was the blonde’s angry declaration over the prone Doctor. Rose ran at the blond to strike at her, only to be brought up short by a sword burning with silver flame that had suddenly materialized in the visitor’s right hand.

 

The Doctor then spoke. _“Ow! I dink you broke my nose!_ ” Was the Doctor’s patently untrue complaint from the floor, then… _“That was completely! Unnecessary! Young lady!”_ A statement that implied that the Doctor had some familiarity with the person who has just struck him.

 

The blonde stepped back and lowered her sword, allowing Rose to help the Doctor to stand back up. The Doctor and the blonde exchanged bloodied facial glares for a few seconds, then the Doctor introduced Rose to their visitor.

 

_“Rose, meet Illyana Rasputin, although in Time Lord circles she goes by a more formal name.”_

 

Rose offered a handkerchief to the Doctor so he might stem the bleeding from his nose. _“Are you a Time Lord as well?”_ Rose inquired of their guest with more then a bit of hostility.

 

 _“Pffff.”_ Was the terse negatory reply from the blonde as the sword vanished as Illyana strode into the Tardis and down one of the hallways that exited from the Tardis control room, precisely as if she knew the layout. Which she in fact did; she was off to one of the wash rooms to clean up.

 

The Doctor provided Rose with an additional datum while dabbing at his nose with a handkerchief _. “She’s not from Gallfrey.”_

 

 _“What race is she then, and what is the name that she’s called?”_ Rose asked, since the departed blonde had not clarified anything.

 

 _“Gallfrey calls her the Darkchilde, and she is a Named Demon; a Hell Lord, in fact.”_ Then in a stage whisper. _“Gallfrey and her kind don’t get along.”_

 

 _“She’s from Hell?”_ Was Rose’s rather concerned question. _“And by her kind do you mean demons in general, or Hell Lords?”_

 

The Doctor looked… embarrassed about something as he replied. “ _A sort-of hell would be the short answer. The details are... complicated. And by her kind I mean one with her abilities over time… it made the Time Council nervous.”_

 

_“And you know her how?”_

 

_“There was a war, the Daleks were involved as well...”_

 

Rose jumped to the obvious conclusion as she interrupted the Doctor. _“And she was on their side, I take it.”_

 

The Doctor sighed heavily and took the blood spotted handkerchief away from his face. _“No… it’s much more complicated then that. The Daleks and the Time Lords are… two opposing forces that both ended up opposing…”_

 

 _“Me.”_ Stated the returned blond, the named Illyana, who now showed no sign of injury. _“You both opposed my plan to regain my soul.”_

 

The Doctor explained a bit more. _“The whole enemy of my enemy kind of allies because we were both very concerned that she was going to destroy the universe. You can guess that the alliance did not last very long. I must say, it was amusing to see the whole exterminate phrase the Daleks love to expound upon being used by her. But she was not very receptive to the Time Lord Council’s arguments against her plan; things… got quite a bit shouty and went precipitously downhill from there.”_

 

The blond suddenly looked amused about something, and said, with tones of fondness. _“Exterminate… ahhh…. that brings back fun memories.”_

 

That anybody would have fun memories of Daleks was of concern to Rose.

 

 _“So how did they stop you?”_ Asked Rose of Illyana. A question that elicited no answer from Illyana, just a neutral look of enquiry in the Doctor’s direction.

 

Another heavy sigh from him. _“We didn’t. We…”_

 

Illyana again finished his sentence. _“Lost.”_

 

 _“How!?”_ Was Rose’s surprised question. A question that Illyana answered with a riddle, a riddle that meant something very different to a Time Lord than to the more chronometrically inexperienced Rose, or any normal person.

 

_“What came first, the chicken or the egg?”_

 

A question that Rose just looked befuddled about. _“How is that an answer?”_

 

The Doctor gently explained to Rose. _“Non linear solutions. What came first is whatever a Time Lord left somewhere, either a pet chicken or some eggs. Time is malleable - and when you fight a war across time, well… what came first just gets endlessly overwritten until matters conclude. Turns out you can’t write Darkchilde out of time, because she was created in Limbo, which is outside of time. Daleks and Time Lords are more… vulnerable.”_

 

Illyana offered one extra tidbit. _“Plus Limbo has a great many demons…”_

 

The Doctor did have to agree. _“And there was that, as well.”_

 

Rose of course asked. _“How many demons?”_

 

Another sigh from the Doctor. _“We never did find out. Suffice it to say, more then we could count."_

**END ILLYANA MEMORY FLASHBACK**

 

 _“I borrowed some ideas from… the show, the whole messing with interior space... and the decorators kind of went overboard.”_ Was Illyana’s statement about the car’s interior. _"But I rather like it...”_

 

Ivy immediately knelt by the table, fully prepared to take her hostess to task for the reprehensible use of wood, undoubtedly taken from a tree slain long before its proper time... And stopped dead. _"This is not wood! It's some sort of… bone?"_

 

Illyana smiled as she retrieved a goblet from the bar and poured some wine from her everflowing bottle. _"Dragon bone, taken from a skeleton found in the Grey Wastes. Died of natural causes, before anybody gets all Green Peace on me; its spirit long, long gone. Waste not, want not... And I like old bone better than wood. Polishes better, and much more conducive to my workings.”_ She seated herself in the rearmost loveseat while gesturing for the others to sit as well. She then spoke to the unseen driver. _"Skeeter, I have been informed of a bank robbery in Gotham that's turned into a hostage situation. Take us there.”_

 

 _"Yes, ma'am; been monitoring the situation on the radio."_ came a calm and assured male voice. _"Twelve hostages, they got 'em all in the vault; they say they've wired the lock on the door and that if they close it, it will weld itself shut. GCPD negotiator is trying to talk to them."_

 

Dani nodded and took charge after a glance at Illyana. _"Illyana, you mind...? Alright, so this is how we do this: we make some noise, get them to slam the door on the hostages. That gets them out from under any stray fire. Illyana, your job is to get the hostages out after they slam the door on them - or earlier, if it looks like they're going to shoot at them. After that, you'll be mobile response. Jubilee, you're on scout duty; take the air vents, check the entire building. Take out stragglers. Maz, Laura, we're going…”_ Orphan raised a hand. _“Yes Orphan?"_

 

Orphan spoke _. “Oracle say I should ask if you have display device I can interface to, so she can brief. Police have it very wrong."_


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for another chapter. We wrote this a few months ago and then kind of sat on the shelf as we were both busy, and then we kind of picked at it for a while before finally getting serious. 
> 
> If you are enjoying this, then, as always, reviews and comments are greatly desired (fuel for the muse as it were).

**Part 4a: THREE DAYS LATER**

 

Batman grunted a few times as he read the report. Grunts that just said expressed his distains of the M word. He slightly wondered if the car’s interior was a magical or technological creation, he suspected the M word again.

 

Odd, so far nothing indicated anything to do with the Batmobile. He popped two aspirin to address the growing headache and continued to read. Odd, for some reason Barbara had attached a wave file, appeared to be a song. He clicked play as he continued to read.

 

 

**Part 4b: Additional Intel**

 

Illyana snapped her fingers, and a concealed portion of the coffee table rotated, revealing a disc drive platter and a number of interface points. _"Betsy, interface access coming live."_ Orphan inserted a patch cable, connected it to her wrist unit, then glanced at Illyana and nodded that all was ready.

 

Dani raised an eyebrow this was done. _"Pretty impressive tech, Illyana...?"_

 

Illyana smiled enigmatically. " _My contracted garage has universes of sourcing options. Betsy, open channel to Oracle."_ Plus Erik had owned her a few favors.

 

A moment later the table revealed itself to be the projector for a holotank, as a spherical space fuzzed with static before Barbara Gordon's Oracle avatar appeared.

 

Barbara Gordon, back in the Clock Tower, went wide eyed for a moment as a realization slammed home: she was seeing the inside of the limo in virtual reality as though she were making a video conference call to the Batcave or WatchTower from the point-of-view of her avatar. Her system is real-timing my viewpoint. And this is a mobile system I'm interfacing with whispered thru her mind.

 

Illyana greeted the avatar. _"Oracle. Welcome. What have you got?"_

 

Barbara shook off her bemusement, there was business to attend to. Her avatar's voice was an ambisexual alto _. "Oracle online. Magik. Thank you for hosting me; this is an - impressive - environment."_ A map of central Gotham flowed into being in the holotank as Oracle gestured. _"This is the location of the building housing the standoff. Technically, the perpetrators are on the thirteenth floor; however, access is via hidden stairways and concealed keylocks in the first and second stage elevators. I believe similar arrangements exist on technical floors twenty six and thirty nine. Red Robin and Spoiler are currently onsite."_

 

Jubilee waved her hand from her position on the couch. _"Uhm… who're Red Robin and Spoiler? They don't have, like, powers over food or anything to do with restaurants_ , _right? If so then I assume their arch enemy must be the Condiment King."_

 

A comment that drew looks from everybody except Mazikeen, who pretended not to care. Even Oracle blinked twice. The looks elicited a defensive comment from Jubilee. _“Hey… don’t look at me that, I'm being legit here! We got Paste Pot Pete, so it’s not like we don’t have weird villains back home as well!”_

 

Illyana raised a hand to forestall Oracle's response. _"Jubilee, over by the desk, the books with all the Bat-sigils on them? Those are the long-form answers to all your questions about the Bat. Short form is, they're two of Batman's Clan, they're on our side, they do martial arts and stealth and batarangs and everything Orphan and all the other Bat-clan members do."_

 

Illyana had gathered various intel on the heroes and villains in this universe. One book in particular, the Idiot’s Guide To The Bat (So You Want To Be A Villain In Gotham?) was her favorite. 'Ten Things Not To Say To The Bat And Why: A Villain’s Cliff Notes' was a close second.

 

Jubilee grinned and relaxed on the couch. _"S'okay. I'll read up later. Need to know it all if I'm gonna be a Robin..."_

 

Orphan, Oracle, Harley and Ivy all looked at the bookcase speculatively. Illyana quashed the rising interest in reading brutally. _"They're warded, ladies. Anyone from this universe who opens one of those will find nothing but blank pages. Persistent attempts also have ever growing unpleasant side affects as well."_

 

Barbara's amusement filtered thru the Oracle avatar perfectly. _"You have established a database on us, Magik?"_

 

 _"Exactly as you have on me, Oracle."_ Magik answered imperturbably. _"And unfortunately just as prone to error in the fine details. But I suspect mine is likely more complete. Certainly more widely sourced.”_

 

Barbara nodded, and in the holotank her avatar did likewise. _"To continue..."_

 

The holotank filled with the thirteenth floor, with a small portion shaded in red. _"Original cell phone calls were that there was an unregistered communal bank on the site, being robbed. Technically, an illicit enterprise, but these forms of banks are particularly popular among those who are employed illegally, and therefore cannot open normal bank accounts. Generally, they are operated more or less honestly, though lacking Federal and State insurance and oversight. The vault the police are concerned with is actually a gun safe, and originally there was only one hostage.”_

 

The layout changed, more than doubling in size, and becoming partitioned off, much like a flea market. _"Then, according to Spoiler, what both she and Red Robin had taken for a solid wall collapsed, revealing itself to be a painted piece of cloth, such as is used in certain magic acts. Revealed was an illegal grey and black market, dealing in stolen and counterfeit goods, with a particular emphasis upon raw chemical components, custom formulators, and non-recreational pharmaceuticals."_

 

The layout increased again, now filling more than three quarters of the available space on the floor. A particular area was shaded in purple and pulsing _. "As Spoiler and Red Robin investigated further, the original count of six perpetrators became twelve, then fifteen, then eighteen, of at least two different affiliations, but apparently working together in defiance of their usual practices."_

 

Oracle sounded disapproving as she reported this, as if the idea of criminals not conforming to their established norms was somehow Magik’s fault. _"The number of unarmed civilians has increased as well, and currently number sixty, mostly women and a few children, most if not all of whom are almost certainly illegal aliens. The perpetrators have gathered most of them all in this area, which is - also in defiance of common practice - a shared secure storage area."_

 

Dani studied the hologram. _"The aisles appear twenty odd feet wide?"_

 

 _"Yes."_ Oracle answered. _"I suspect the presence of at least one powered forklift somewhere onsite; there are far too many pallets of materials that are too heavy for standard hand trucks."_

 

 _"Wide enough for this car?”_ Inquired Dani, looking at Illyana. Illyana studied the projected plans, frowned in thought briefly, then nodded to Dani.

 

Dani continued. _“Oracle, can you bring Spoiler and Red Robin - is that actually what he calls himself? There's a burger chain by that name where we come from - into this conversation? We need to coordinate."_

 

Illyana then tossed out an additional tidbit of info for the benefit of those not familiar with her car. _"Betsy is bulletproof."_ As a Dani had a brief discussion with Spoiler and Red Robin.

 

 

**Part 4b: Getting ready for the big dance**

 

 _“Illyana, do you have any additional weapons in this thing?”_ Asked Jubilee. _“Sounds like a little upgrading is in order.”_ Then, after a full body language frown from Orphan, crossed arms and all, a clarification. _“Suitably non-lethal, of course.”_

 

Illyana pointed to the closed doors at the back of the room with her left thumb. _“Check the back.”_

 

Jubilee and Harley hurried over to the doors, with Ivy, Laura, and Mazikeen more casually following behind them.

 

Illyana instead strode over to where the Japanese swords were mounted on the wall, and took two of them down (it had been awhile since she had used Maker and Taker and she felt kind of an itch to use them).

 

 _“Illyana, those look very lethal.”_ Observed Dani as Illyana took a few practice slashes, an observation that Illyana replied to with a shrug. _“So’s a pencil if you use it right, ask John Wick.”_ Then to the projected Oracle who did not look happy at Illyana’s choice. _“Don’t worry, I promised.”_

 

A shout from Jubilee. _“Dani! You have got to see this! It’s like… Aladdin’s cave!”_

 

The back doors have been flung open revealing a walk in closet kind of room. One might could call it an Aladdin’s cave... If one allowed the Aladdin in question to be a weapon obsessed Doomsday Prepper getting ready for the Fall of Civilization. Pistols, revolvers, rifles, shot guns, knives, swords, pole arms, bows, crossbows, clubs, a selection of aerosol sprays, a flame thrower, and even an honest to God five inch bore muzzle loading bronze cannon were available, to name but some of the items; plus various uniforms and body armors. And loads upon loads of various munitions.

 

The first thing everyone (except Orphan) collected on the way into the room was a round-the-ear throat mike/earbud combo in single-use packaging. These were slipped on by one and all, and Barbara busied herself for a minute capturing and adjusting frequencies so the team could speak.

 

Dani wandered over where Jubilee and Harley were ooh’ing and aah’ing over something. Ivy was not nearly as impressed as to the contents, as she rarely used weapons. Laura just ignored the room after a brief appraisal, as nothing attracted her. Mazikeen disregarded the firearms and was busy examining a particularly nasty looking halberd, before rejecting it in favor of a very large two handed battle ax that was notched and looked well used, Illyana’s old axe, actually.

 

Orphan issued an emphatic **_“No”_** while pointing at the ax. Which of course just cemented the idea with Mazikeen. _“You do not tell me no, little batling.”_

 

Things got tense between the two of them, very tense, before Illyana interceded between the two. _“Orphan, Mazikeen has sworn.”_

 

Orphan pointed out the obvious. _“Ax can maim, sever, cause great harm.”_

 

All valid points, causing Illyana to just regard Mazikeen for a few seconds. Mazikeen scowled at the two of them, while looking irritated, before grudgingly stating. _“Fine. I promise to not chop things off.”_ Then grumbled something about this place having more rules then hell.

 

Orphan mentally chewed over Mazikeen’s answer, then… _“Be watching you.”_

 

 _“Of course.”_ Was Mazikeen’s smug reply as she struck a poise with the ax. _“Why would you not?”_ Which conveyed that impression that Orphan and Mazikeen were not quite on the same wavelength as to why Orphan would be watching Mazikeen.

 

A sudden squabble between Harley and Jubilee then distracted Illyana, giving Mazikeen a chance to flash a wicked grin at Orphan. Ahhh… this was shaping up to be such a fun night, after all... thought Mazikeen.

 

The cause of the commotion you ask? Well… A matching pair of hot pink (yes, hot pink, and bedazzled) MP-5’s had been found. Harley and Jubilee both spotted the weapons at the same time and simultaneously shouted **_"Dibs!"_** resulting in the inevitable squabble over the weapons.

 

Dani ignored the squabble and selected a very nice multiple feed automatic shotgun featuring two tubes and a drum clip, and began loading from boxes of beanbag, taser, and mini-missile rounds.

 

Complaints and glares of irritation from both Oracle and Orphan at Illyana, which prompted her to yell out. _“Only use the non-lethal ammos!”_

 

 _“And the ax?”_ Pointed out Oracle.

 

 _“It suffices.”_ Smugly replied Mazikeen, completely ignoring the true intent of Oracle’s question, which just made Barbara grind her teeth back at her apartment.

 

Jubilee and Harley finally agreed that each could have one of the MP-5’s. Jubilee also went for a 50’ caliber Desert Eagle armed with low velocity jelly stun rounds.

 

Harley squealed as she found a backpack filled with grenades. _"Hey, Oracle, remember Eastern Europe?"_ Was her laughing query as she showed her find to everyone.

 

 _“Utterly unacceptable.”_ Was Oracle’s predictable pronouncement. _"This is a hostage rescue, not a seek and destroy mission."_

 

Harley mock glared at the Oracle hologram. “ _Yeah, and that was just a recovery mission, and it turned out okay, didn't it?”_ Then she put it back with a dramatic sigh, only to giggle and return with a grenade launcher. _“But this makes a good compromise! Don’t worry Oracle, non-lethal rounds only, Scouts honor.”_

 

Barbara could only groan. God, Bruce is going to blow a gasket when he reads the mission log on this one. _"No gas grenades, there's not much ventilation on that floor. No smokers, either."_

 

Harley pouted as she put a bandolier (belt of rounds) back. " _Killjoy."_

 

Ivy was the odd girl out. “ _None of this is adequate.”_ She grumbled. _“If only I had a few of my babies here...”_

 

 _“Try the door in the back.”_ Replied Illyana distractedly, while busy examining Dani’s shotgun. _“Yes, this should get the job done.”_ (Why such a weapon when Dani’s mystic energy arrows had the same effect you ask? No idea, go ask Dani, but the girl does like her guns)

 

Ivy was briefly confused. _“What back… oh… that back door.”_ As she noticed the hereto overlooked door at the rear of the arsenal (damn, I could have sworn this was just wall a second ago...) Ivy hesitantly opened the door, to find her greenhouse before her.

 

 _"My babies!"_ Coo’d Ivy as three ambulatory George style carnivorous flowers the size of men walked through the door upon her summoning. As they passed her she reached in and grabbed a fanny pack of seeds as well. _“Harley, as soon as we find some soil I’ll grow you some escorts as well!”_

 

Harley just grinned and shook her head. " _Nah, Red, they cramp my style. Always crowding me..._

 

The plan was briefly reviewed again, and then Dani called a final go / no go from everybody.

 

Ready Illyana? _“Uh-huh”_

 

Laura? _“Yes.”_

 

Jubilee? _“Oh yes.”_

 

Everybody else? _“Yeah”_

 

_“Alright Girlz, let's go!”_

 

The girls lined up at each of the exit doors, but first Jubilee took another hit from Illyana’s bottle, which was on the table. Then she joined the Girlz. Absentmindedly, she’d placed the bottle right on the edge of the table. A table that one of Ivy's plants bumped into as they stacked up behind their mistress.

 

Nobody noticed the bottle tip over onto the table, spilling cerulean fog right onto the Oracle projector as Jubilee said, with a smile. _“In the films, there’s always a sound track for the big fight scenes. We should have a sound track!”_

 

Mostly just looks of puzzlement or negation from the rest. Looks that annoyed Jubilee. _"It’d be something crazy like… I don’t know… something fight orientated like… like... Ballroom Blitz!"_

 

 _“Ballroom Blitz?”_ Relied the rest of them.

_“Ballroom Blitz?”_ Said Barbara to herself as she breathed in unnoticed cerulean wisps that emitted from her holoscreen projectors.

 

 _“Yeah… Ballroom Blitz!”_ Enthused Jubilee.

 

 _“Okay… Ballroom Blitz.”_ Replied Dani as she humored Jubilee. That… might have been a hasty decision. Skeeter, in the driver’s compartment, shrugged his shoulders and hit the play button on the car stereo. You guessed it… Ballroom Blitz by the Sweet began to play but… the lyrics ended up being sung mostly by the Girlz.

 

 _"Oracle, we're in position over the entrance to the corral."_ Red Robin radioed. _"Two guards in engagement range, both with AK 47s. Two more across the way. We can take the two on the hostages side on your mark, although distracted would be better."_

 

 _"Copy that, Red Robin."_ Oracle responded crisply. _"Distraction inbound. Bad Girlz, you are Go at your discretion."_

 

 

**Part 4c: Ballroom Blitz (helps if you ytube the song)**

 

A flare of actinic light was the tenth of a second warning before a nightmare cross of engine roar and hungry predator's snarl sounded across the floor. Unseen behind the glare of the headlights, four Little Brown Bat drones accompanied the juggernaut limo. The four guards on the hostages all spun and gaped as Betsy's headlights speared their ocular centers with more lumens than a 747's landing lights could produce, freezing them in place like so many deer. One of the guards reflexively opened up from the hip, bullets spraying wildly across the front of Betsy's grille and windshield.

 

Across the entire floor, everyone spun as the ebon black car rocketed into the room, brakes in full lockup to bring it to a halt between the hostages and the hostiles. The four shooters were all struck broadside by Betsy as she fishtailed slightly to ensure getting all four. The passenger doors swung wide and the Girls leapt forth as blue mist likewise vented forth. Simultaneously, Red Robin and Spoiler burst from their concealment in the air ducts.

 

Combat and mayhem engaged. Dani leapt to the top of the car, shotgun slung and forgotten, and began firing her mystic arrows at targets while singing the opening lyric to Ball Room Blitz. _“Oh, it's been getting so hard. Living with the things you do to me, aha”_

 

Orphan somersaulted two times before her feet struck a bad guy in the ribs as she sang. _“My dreams are getting so strange. I'd like to tell you everything I see.”_

 

Jubilee was teleported by Illyana onto the top of a pile of crates forming one corner of the common storage area, her appearance deliberately drawing all attention from the other side of the floor, where Betsy could not be seen. Her eyes flared incarnadine with excitement, and her fangs flashed as she sang. _“Oh, I see a man at the back. As a matter of fact, his eyes are as red as a sun.”_

 

Said man in the back suddenly looked startled, then a blast of rubber 9mm rounds from Jubilee’s MP-5 took him down. Most were to his chest, but a few drifted lower, right into his…

 

Laura came out slicing a weapon apart before backhanding her opponent with a fist. She seamlessly took up the song. _“And a girl in the corner, let no one ignore her.”_

 

Said girl in the corner was Illyana, also on top of a pile of crates, catching ricochets with her teleportation circles while gesturing at Mazikeen with her sword Taker _. “Cause she thinks she's the passionate one!”_

Mazikeen was swinging her ax in dramatic motions, showing tight leather and a great deal of cleavage while dodging fire with the Devil's own luck, scattering criminals who either fled or were knocked flying with the flat of the massive weapon or kicks from her.

 

Barbara found herself bobbing her head and tapping on the keyboard like they were drums while initiating a taser strike from one of her drones. _“Oh, yeah, it was like lightning.”_

 

Mazikeen snarled a line of the song. _“Everybody was frightening.”_

 

Barbara sang back as she twirled in her chair. _“And the music was soothing.”_

 

Illyana snapped her fingers in time as she took down more ricochets and performed overwatch. _“And they all started grooving.”_

 

All the Girlz then sang while continuing the take down. _“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...”_

 

Dani pointed out that _. “And the man at the back said - ”_

 

The man in back, the one with the red eyes, stood back up and screamed in a singing voice. **_“Everyone attack!”_** Only to get a taser round from Dani’s shotgun to the forehead of his (metal) helmet, knocking him spasming into the wall behind him (Dani had remembered the shotgun) before falling to the floor.

 

Harleys voice could now be heard in her New Jersey drawl. **_“And it turned into a ballroom blitz!”_ ** As she launched a beanbag round right into the crotch of the man in the back from her grenade launcher (who had just stood back up, only to fall down again), then dropped the grenade launcher to its sling and fired a prolonged burst from her MP-5 into a group of thugs, who scattered and took cover. The expended clip went flying as she reloaded her MP5 with professional speed.

 

Seeing Harley reloading, Jubilee leapt upon the hapless thugs as they started to peek out, She sang. _"And the girl in the corner said.”_

 

That being Orphan, who was repeatedly punching a thug while telling him. _“Boy, I wanna warn ya, it'll turn into a ballroom blitz.”_

 

Barbara sang the chorus as she continued to monitor. **_“Ballroom blitz!”_**

 

Laura likewise sang the chorus as she disarmed two more foes. **_“Ballroom blitz!”_**

 

Illyana as she continued to flicker about. _“Ballroom blitz.”_

 

Skeeter was actually bored as he smoked. His job was to cover the hostages, and otherwise to do nothing - his weapons were NOT not-lethal. There was a thump and a face was smushed upon the windshield, looked like the thug has been thrown. Skeeter used the windshield wipers to smack the dazed thug back and forth a few times, then grinned and exhaled a long blow of smoke at the hapless thug as he fell off the car as he laughed a line. _"Ballroom blitz.”_

 

Orphan paused in pummeling a foe. _“I'm reaching out for something. Touching nothing is all I ever do.”_

 

Jubilee appeared to answer Orphan. _“Oh, I softly call you over. When you appear there's nothing left of you, aha.”_

 

Mazikeen was hosting a screaming man into the air by his crotch, who was the screaming man? The line said it all. _“Now the man in the back. Is ready to crack as he raises his hands to the sky.”_ Yep, the red eyed man who was quite distressed.

 

Barbara zoomed in on Illyana. _“And the girl in the corner is everyone's mourner. She could kill you with a wink of her eye.”_

 

Ivy strode about, dosing those who were down with sleepy-pollen and thereby ensuring they stayed down, while her plants protected her. _“Oh yeah, it was electric,”_

 

Harley was rather ecstatic. **_“So frantically hectic!”_**

 

Jubilee was rounding up many of the fallen criminals. _“And the band started leaving.”_

 

Mazikeen gloated over the fallen. _“Cause they all stopped breathing.”_ Orphan glared at Mazikeen, who pulled off the man in red's helmet to reveal it was a robot.

 

All the Girlz sang. _“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..._

 

Barbara replayed the footage on the red eyed man. _“And the man at the back said 'Everyone attack!' and it turned into a ballroom blitz.”_

 

Orphan whispered to the terrified criminal she was striking, her voice somehow carrying clearly. _“And the girl in the corner said. Boy, I wanna warn ya, it'll turn into a ballroom blitz.”_

Again all the Girlz sang. **_“Ballroom blitz!”_**

 

And now even the crowd sang. **_“Ballroom blitz!”_**

 

Barbara zorched one of the last few criminals low. _“Oh yeah, it was like lightning.”_

 

Jubilee took down another crook. _“Everybody was frightening.”_

 

Harley crooned to Ivy. _“And the music was soothing...”_

 

Ivy crooned back as she and Harley stared to dance together. **_“And they all started grooving!”_**

 

The now-former hostages took up the chant. _“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...”_

 

Red Robin observed to Spoiler. _“And the man at the back said 'Everyone attack!' and it turned into a ballroom blitz.”_

 

Spoiler sang back. _“And the girl in the corner said Boy, I wanna warn ya, it'll turn into a ballroom blitz.”_

 

The crowd sang, **_“Ballroom blitz!”_**

 

The Girlz sang, _“Ballroom blitz.”_

 

and then they all sang. _“Ballroom blitz.”_

 

Skeeter looked mildly impressed as he stubbed out his cigarette. _“Ballroom blitz..."_

 

Barbara was busy making notes in the action log. _“Ooh, it's, it's a ballroom blitz. It's, it's a ballroom blitz. It's, it's a ballroom blitz. Yeah, it's a ballroom blitz...”_

 

 

**Part 4d: Meanwhile… Death to Ameri-Do-Te!**

 

The enemies of Ameri-Do-Te had gathered. Masters of Kung Fu, Tae-kwon-do, Krav Maga, Judo, Karate, kick boxing, and Ninjutsu. Enough with the mockery from Master Ken and his appropriation of their sacred battle styles and rituals.

 

Many had confronted Master Ken to teach the arrogant dog the error of his ways, only to fail every time. Kung Fu eunuchs had once attacked Master Ken secure in the belief that the lack of a venerable crotch protected them from Master Ken; they were wrong. Just as an amputee has phantom pain, Master Ken was able to do a phantom punch into the missing genitals (learned from the ghost of Mohammad Ali), thus rendering the eunuchs incapacitated.

 

Then… the idea of joining forces had occurred to them (they had all met at a groin injury therapy self help center). Another Master Ken saying was _“It’s not the size of the groin that matters, but the size of the hand that grabs it!”_ All could attest that Master Ken had large hands.

 

Several names had been discussed before deciding upon League of Doom! A name that they had surrendered after the legal injunction and the ass kicking they had received from the other League of Doom. _“… And next time you decided to ignored an injunction from us you’ve dead!”_

 

So… time for a new name.

 

The Committee to destroy Master Ken and Ameri-Do-Te?

League of Destruction? (Another injunction letter from the League of Doom).

Miscreants of Mischief (Rejected after they realized it spelled out MOM)

League against Ameri-Do-Te? (Almost… but it was missing something)

 

After much discussion they settled on a name. League Against Ameri-Do-Te Ensemble! That was it! Only after the bulk order tee-shirts and hats (order a thousand and get twenty five percent off) did they see that the name had a possibly bad four letter acronym.

 

Regardless of the possible name, the group had gathered.

 

 _“Master Ken has left his fortress.”_ Stated a well endowed Swedish Female Ninja (yes females were also venerable to the art of Master Ken, one attack was called the crunchy taco). Fortress in this case being the city of Albuquerque.

 

 _“He is finally vulnerable.”_ Hissed a Kung Fu monk dressed in orange robes with a side ways baseball cap in a sad attempt to look gansta.

 

 ** _“Time to unleash our vengeance!”_** Screamed a kick boxer master.

 

 _“Why are you always shouting?”_ Complained the Judo master. _“Stop shouting, we can all hear you. We had a vote… no more shouting.”_

 

 ** _“He shouts with the anticipation of revenge!”_** Shouted the Karate master, which just intensified the fight about shouting. After much debate, and a few blows, order was regained.

 

The Master Ken destruction team was dispatched representing all the disciples, ten from each, seventy in all.

 

His death was assured, but they did wonder why he had left his fortress (which really oversold what the Dojo looked like, more of a marginal martial arts studio with two bathrooms).


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I like this story, just a fun night out, X-Men style. Time for a few chapters of the girls relaxing and talking.
> 
> Various references to other stories, the big one being Pride, Prejudice, Illyana, and Zombies. Plus a reference to the story Tag I’m it (When Illyana first met Mazikeen). And a vague reference to Mother of Darkness. And a reminder that Lucifer is from the Fox TV show Lucifer (so is Mazikeen), not the comic book Lucifer.

**Part 5a: THREE DAYS LATER**

 

Batman grunted as if struck by a blow. Big M… really big M. The file had not just been music, it has been a set of videos extracted from Oracle’s little bats. He had watched Mazikeen wave that massive axe about as if it was a cheerleader’s baton, which demonstrated that she was quite strong, and very skilled. In fact the four, Mazikeen, Laura, Jubilee, and Dani were quite deadly. Illyana had mostly kept in the background, but the drones has caught her using the swords most skillfully, and non lethally. Plus the tactics of Jubilee, Ivy, and Harley. All as they sang Ballroom Blitz as it if it was a Broadway production.

 

Yet… no deaths or crippling injuries. Lots of damage, and more then a few visits to the hospital for the perps, but a completely clean series of takedowns none the less. The robot he made note to look into the following night, if it was still in GCPD possession by then.

 

Another grunt as he observed a box of fireworks going off in the background, ignited by a wayward round from one of the perps. Of course there had to be fireworks… why not… after all it looked like a high production cost music video, especially with the quantity of Mazikeen cleavage shown throughout the video.

 

He did have to confess that Cassandra had a nice singing voice, who knew?

 

 

**Part 5b: Ride-along (Part a)**

 

The Bad Girlz had left it to Red Robin and Spoiler to deal with the cleanup, after first giving a very quick news conference where they answered no questions (Dani had led the brief conference, but Mazikeen had stolen the show at the end as she had struck a poise with the axe held one handed over her head as she declared. _“Criminals of Gotham… I’ve come for you.”_ A threat that most may have not paid as much attention to as they should, due no doubt to the tight leather cleavage being shown. Heck, more then a few were rather hoping that she had come for them.

 

Betsy was now rolling down the dark streets of nighttime Gotham. The rear of the car has been transformed into an open-top limo, with the driver’s compartment still isolated. The back of the car was now filled with a U shaped leather couches with the projector table in the middle. No Oracle image was being projected, but Oracle was still virtually present and occasionally commenting.

 

Mazikeen was sitting in the back, stretched out and looking most pleased. The giant battle axe was resting on the seat next to her, and on the other side of the axe was Illyana with her two Japanese blades. Dana was sitting on the left side couch (if you were looking forward) with Orphan and Laura. On the other side were Jubilee, Ivy, and Harley.

 

The now capped bottle of vintrified chaos was residing in Illyana’s left hand side cup holder. The group was passing around a rather less exotic vintage, a very good Merlot, except for Orphan, who was sipping a decaf latté (they had stopped at a Starbucks) and Jubilee, who was oddly quiet (for once) and not drinking anything.

 

 ** _“I love this town.”_** Purred Mazikeen, who was currently holding the bottle of wine. _“Who knew that fighting crime was so damned fun! I’m so moving here if I can convince Lucifer to move his club. Being a hero is a blast!”_

A statement that concerned both Oracle and Orphan. But they both wisely choose to not comment upon the idea as that would likely just encourage Mazikeen. They did wonder about the Lucifer comment and Orphan made a mental note to enquire when she had a chance.

 

Orphan was finding the drive to be… interesting. The cool night air, occasional light mists, and the street lights constantly changing, thereby casting shadows and light. Orphan was rather sure that Illyana’s and Mazikeen’s form kept slightly changing on each flash of light and shadow. Little horns kept coming and going on Illyana, as well as glowing eyes (that vanished if you blinked) and some rather long incisors. Likewise Mazikeen kept shifting as well. Orphan was not sure if it was the influence of the strange wine she had taken, or just magic in general.

Mazikeen continued. _“But…”_ With an ironic glare at Orphan _. “Battle with minimal bloodshed is so… lacking. Foreplay with no actual happy ending.”_

_“Bat’s world, Bat’s rules.”_ Was Illyana’s reply as Mazikeen handed her the wine bottle. Then, after a sip and passing the bottle to Dani. _“Still fun.”_

Mazikeen patted the axe and made an inquiry of Illyana. _“What’s her name?”_

_“Wrath.”_ Was Illyana’s reply.

 

 _“Your axe is a she?”_ Asked Dani with some surprise, and also some internal wonder as to how Mazikeen had known that.

 

 _“Yep.”_ Replied a smug Illyana. “ _What’s with all the magical weapons having guy names? Not everything has to conform to patriarchal norms.”_

 

 _“Wrath sounds rather male.”_ Observed Laura.

 

 _“Well, she’s a she and not a he.”_ Replied Illyana. _“I was rather in that state of mind when I created her out of Belasco’s old axe. She lived up to her name until I got my soul sword back.”_

Jubilee shifted in her seat with a grimace and clutched her stomach. _“Illyana… I think I need to cut the night short and have you take me home. I need a blood bank…”_

There were sudden looks of concern from Laura and Dani as Laura asked the question _. “Not healing?”_

_“No… should have known you smelled the blood. And before you ask, my flask got hit, so… no Wolvie blood to jump start things.”_

Laura scooted to the other side of the limo to sit next to Jubilee, and simply offered a wrist, an offer that Jubilee rather strongly declined.

 

 _“No… they already think I’m a monster.”_ She waved at Orphan, and Oracle as well.

 

**_Begin Orphan Reflections_ **

A few minutes ago…

 

 _“Why trust vampire?”_ Asked Orphan of Illyana, since they had a moment of privacy while waiting inside the Starbucks (the others were outside by the car posing for selfies with each other and any interested pedestrians. Mazikeen’s were very… outgoing to say the least.)

 

Illyana replied with one of those responses that tended to confuse. _“What makes you think I trust Jubilee, or anyone for that matter?”_

 

Orphan thought briefly upon the idea… then rejected the underlying premise. _“You trust. Why?”_

 

 _“You’ve never been a vampire.”_ Was Illyana’s reply after some thought _. “Most are… not voluntarily turned into such, and they tend to have few choices. Slaves to their makers and the strong. Almost always morally crippled by events or abuse, and of course the Thirst. Jubilee resists the Thirst… and you don’t know Thirst until you’ve been a vampire. Laura and Jubilee are friends, they both helped each other start to get past what they were made into. Heck, Logan stuck them together, an action that has proven to be of great worth to both of them. I honor that.”_

 

 _“What…?”_ Was Orphan’s question. There was not any notation or reference to that in Illyana’s file, although most of that file was pure conjecture as best… Illyana was silent, and looked distantly bored, a mien Orphan believed for not a second. Orphan tried again. _“If stronger vampire show up?”_

 

Illyana actually looked hopeful at the thought of such an event. _“Then I suppose Dani, Mazikeen, Laura, and I will have a brief, very fun, and very lethal time. All per the Bat rules, I’d point out, as Batman has no problem with slaying vampires.”_

 

Orphan thought upon that answer, then raised her pointer finger while giving Illyana a questioning glance. A glance Illyana answered with a smile as Orphan’s to-go order was announced.

 

_“Yes Orphan, you will be most welcome to join in if you wish. Oh, and I suppose our guests would want to join in as well.”_

_“But… trust? Vampire?”_ Protested Orphan again.

_“It is always easier to be better than you believe yourself to be if others believe in you… and show it.”_ Commented Illyana as she snagged a brownie before they went to the cash register. _“Just as it is likewise harder to resist the malevolence that is an innate part of everyone if everybody just assumes you will always do wrong. It hurts to fall, and it also hurts when nobody believes in you even when you do the right thing, just makes falling easier.”_

**_End Orphan Reflections_ **

 

Everybody stared at Orphan… who of course found this to be uncomfortable.

 

 _“We’re all monsters.”_ Snorted Mazikeen in amusement. _“Hells, I think the goodie-two-shoes vampire is the nicest of us. I’d offer my blood, but I don’t think she’d like the side affects.”_

_“Side affects?”_ Inquired Ivy.

 

_“Rage, madness, sudden and massive violent outbursts… On the plus side, she might grow a cup size or two.”_

 

 _“Not in the mood for jokes.”_ Grumbled Jubilee.

_“Is offer voluntary?”_ Asked Orphan of Laura.

 

 _“Yes… if it’s the wounding that concerns you then…”_ Laura extended a blade from her right hand and nonchalantly cut her left wrist, then offered the bleeding wrist again to Jubilee.

 

Jubilee ignored the wrist and just looked at Orphan, who finally gave a small, embarrassed nod. Who was she to have her permission sought, particularly when the donor was willing? At which Jubilee finally, and with no small amount of leashed urgency, took Laura’s offered wrist and began to drink (after Laura first opened it again, as she’d already healed). Illyana tossed the Starbuck’s brownie to Laura, who caught it in her right hand and quickly ate it while Jubilee drank.

 

Dani raised a question to both distract the others from Jubilee’s feeding and to scratch a mental itch.

 

 _“’Yana, where and when did you end up with_ _Japanese swords?”_

Illyana glanced at her swords… thought for a few moments and then replied. _“It was on my journey. The one that I then journeyed back in time to the present once I found what I was searching for. During that time, at one point, I was trapped in another dimension for quite some time, bereft of both my mutant power and my magics. I had been gravely injured, which took a great deal of time to recover from. Luckily for me, a British family gave me shelter and nursed me back to health. I received the swords from them as a gift as I had saved their lives, that saving had caused some of the injuries.”_

 

**Part 5c: Illyana’s story (see Pride, Prejudice, Illyana, and Zombies for full details)**

_…_

_…_

_"Time for your weapons, Miss Rasputin."_ Mr. Bennet announced once day after an extended training session.

 

Illyana had been sparring with Mr. Bennet and each of the Bennet daughters; and being repeatable defeated by each of them. If this bothered Illyana she did not show it, but Lydia was most smug about it and rather liked to excessively hand out combat tips (rather like golfing with somebody who continually offers golfing advice). Lydia would sometime be reminded that Illyana was recovering from injuries but Lydia paid that comment (and what was to be in hindsight a warning) no mind.

 

Mr. Bennet had left the training, toweling off the sweat from his brow, while Lydia had been showing Illyana just how she was able to get past Illyana's guard and smack her with the wooden training sword yet again.

 

He had come back holding two Japanese curved blades in sheaths. The traditional Japanese long sword and short sword. The hilts were wrapped in black leather and the sheaths were lacquered a dark glossy blackish red. The pommels had a golden Chrysanthemum engraving at the end of the hilt.

 

_"The swords wielded by Hotaka, which were originally a gift to his father Hotoka from the Japanese emperor himself. Hotaka was a worthy foe of my house. He died honorably upon my blades and I clamed his swords as trophies of victory. I believe they will suit you, Miss Rasputin, until such a time as your own sword is recovered."_

He presented the swords hilt first. Illyana grasped a hilt with each hand and drew forth the shiny steel blades. There was a flaming dragon engraved upon each sword.

 

_"Their names are Honō no mēkā (Maker of flame) and Honō no shōkaki (Extinguisher of flame). They were nicknamed the Maker and Taker and were feared by many in China."_

Illyana looked stern. _"I thank you for this gift. I shall wield them with what honor I possess."_

 

 

**Part 5d: Ride-along (Part b)**

 

The short explanation had served its purpose and distracted everyone, except Orphan, until Jubilee was done with her feeding. But that explanation had raised questions in the minds of a few.

 

Bennet? Was Dani’s thought, as it was likewise Ivy's and Harley's. Harley loved Jane Austen's books, and before she and Ivy had become an item, she’d always wanted to put together a Joker adaptation of Pride and Prejudice - with the Bat in it, of course. (Yes, dear reader, the story would undoubtedly have greatly differed from the published work, but the idea of the Joker being Mr. Darcy would have made the performance most memorable.) But no follow up questions were asked, as instead Orphan asked a question of Illyana and Mazikeen while pointing at the two of them.

 

_“How you meet?”_

 

A question that make Mazikeen laugh before she replied. _“Bar fight.”_

 

Jubilee, Laura, and Dani exchanged glances before Jubilee burst out. _“That story’s real?”_

 

 _“Real as this ax.”_ Purred Mazikeen.

 

 

**Part 5e: Bar Fight**

 

 _“You must now leave.”_ Stated a glaring Mazikeen who was suddenly in Illyana’s face. Part time bartender, part time security for Lucifer, part time warrior and part time head torturer (we all have our little hobbies, and life is just extra nice when hobbies and employment can overlap).

 

Illyana had been sitting at the bar listening to Lucifer playing the piano and singing. She had to give the Devil his due, he really was a good singer. He was currently doing his version of The House of the Rising Sun, a rather drawn out mournful ballad version.

 

_There is a house in New Orleans_

_They call the Rising Sun_

_And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy_

_And God, I know I'm one_

_My mother was a tailor_

_She sewed my new blue jeans_

_My father was a gamblin' man_

_Down in New Orleans_

_Now the only thing a gambler needs_

_Is a suitcase and trunk_

_And the only time he's satisfied_

_Is when he's on a drunk_

_Oh mother, tell your children_

_Not to do what I have done_

_Spend your lives in sin and misery_

_In the House of the Rising Sun_

_…_

_…_

 

 _“And why is that?”_ Replied Illyana while returning the glare.

 

_“You are under age.”_

 

_“I so am not.”_

 

_“I do not care what your documents say, you are underage and you used magic to gain admission to the premises. Leave now or I’ll throw you out.”_

 

_“You and what army?”_

 

_“Just me.”_

 

_“Try it.”_

 

Which Mazikeen promptly proceeded to attempt to do. Emphasis on ‘attempt’…

 

The fight was epic. Legendary in the telling. They wrassled, they tangled, they dueled with sword and knives. Many a bottle and glass was smashed as the blows were exchanged.

 

All the while Lucifer provided a soundtrack on the piano as he played and sang various songs (Hit Me With Your Best Shot was quite appropriate at one point). He later claimed that the fight was just part of the show (the crowd had loved it and kept wondering just how the special effects had been done).

 

At one point, while Illyana was repeatedly slamming Mazikeen’s bloody and torn head upon the piano that Lucifer was playing, Mazikeen threw an elbow into Illyana’s face, momentarily broke her focus and stunned her, and then threw the stunned Illyana across the room, thereby buying Mazikeen a moment of respite to clear her eyes.

 

Lucifer took advantage to comment, all the while continuing to play the piano while Mazikeen wiped the blood off of her face. _“Maz… you do know you’re fighting the Ruler of Limbo. Right?”_

 

 ** _“Bitch is mine!”_** was her reply as she ran across the room, only to stumble back into the piano a few moments later from Illyana’s counter attack.

 

 _“A Hell Lord, Maz… and…”_ A pleased looking pearly smile. _“A rather feisty one at that. So nice to see the younger generation keeping up with the traditions. But really Maz. It's past time to call it a draw, before she really cuts loose.”_

 

A brief look of startlement at Lucifer from Mazikeen, then an equally bloodied Illyana slammed into Maz, and they both went over the piano with a crash. Displaying the Devil's Own Luck, Lucifer moved his drink out of the way just in time, making it look gracefully easy as he did. Not a drop was lost as he took sip.

 

Lucifer started the next song, accompanied by the sounds of breaking glass, as the crowd cheered.

 

_Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends…_

 

Afterwards, two beaten and bloody female demons had finally called truce and worked it out like responsible adults… ok… that’s not true. Instead they worked it out like unreasonable adults (much high proof alcohol was involved).

 

 

**Part 5f: Ride-along (Part c)**

 

Mazikeen concluded the story. _“Then she got me drunk and took advantage of me.”_

 

 _“I so did not!”_ Was Illyana outburst. _“You got **me** drunk, and….”_ Illyana uncharacteristically went silent.

 

Mazikeen just grinned and gave a slow, sensually wicked lick of her lips. “ _The fight was the main course, perhaps... but the dessert! Ah, the dessert was epic...”_

 

Everybody got to see Illyana actually blush for a few seconds, a very rare event.

 

Oracle now asked a question, a most concerned question. _“The devil… **the** Lucifer?”_

 

Illyana gave a small sigh and tried to explain.

 

“ _Yeah. Well - not exactly… uhm… it's complicated. He’s from another reality, has massive family issues, and he’s an annoying kind of guy, so very full of himself. Think lovechild of Noel Coward and Mick Jagger, with a dash of the British actor Terry-Thomas. But enough talent for all three. Then mix in a big gulp of decadence and bacchus behaviors. And I wasn’t hanging out with him. I… it’s all kind of blurry now that I think about it, but I ended up hanging with…”_ A pointed thumb at Mazikeen. _“Her. We did a lot of shots… and she got me drunk. Which partially explains why we…”_

 

Illyana didn’t finish. But Mazikeen did, again with that slow, grinning lick of the lips. _“Had dessert.”_

 

Harley then put two and two together. _“So you’re both really demons? Illy, I thought that was just a thing!”_

 

Even as Illyana internally cringed, Mazikeen points a thumb to herself. _“Big bad demon, Lucifer’s right hand gal in all things.”_ Then points to Illyana. _“Bigger but not badder demon, somewhat of a kill-joy, rules, rules, rules.”_

 

Harley’s eyes were gleefully delighted. _“Cool!”_

 

Then Mazikeen looked at Orphan. _“Have you ever enjoyed... dessert, little Batling?”_

 

Orphan just cracked her knuckles as she offered her own query in reply. _“So... Demon. Not human, not of this world?”_

 

Illyana saw where that might well go, and acted to preserve amity and the group fun-vibe. _“Maz…”_

The unspoken warning that went with that made Mazikeen pout. She grabbed the bottle of wine and swigged to cover herself.

 

Dani quickly shifted topic. _“Yana, since when did you stop annoying Ninjas?”_ Then to the group. _“Illyana likes to play this game she calls Startle the Ninja.”_

 

A statement that made Orphan slightly twitch about something. A twitch that everybody saw.

 

**Begin Orphan Reflection**

 

Orphan was clutching the bottom jaw of a stone gargoyle with one hand as she dangled two hundred feet off the ground. Clutched and soundly cursed at Illyana who was kneeling on the head of the gargoyle, offering her hand for Orphan to grab and grinning.

 

_“Jeeze Orphan, didn’t know you were so… jumpy.”_

 

Orphan just glared in reply. Looking over the city as you stand on the head of a gothic style skyscraper is not the time for somebody to sneak up on you and yell **_“BOO!”_** was her thought.

 

**End Orphan Reflection**

 

Then Laura, Orphan, and Dani all glared at Illyana as Jubilee asked. _“Why the heck do you like to do that?”_ Harley, on the other hand, just grinned and was already thinking about creating her own version of the game ( _What a great idea!_ was her thought).

 

Illyana looked amused. _“Same place I got the swords from, and Dani, the same place I learned massage.”_

 

**Begin Illyana Reflection**

 

Illyana grimaced in pain as her left leg spasmed with cramps. Illyana was lightly oiled up and lying nude and face down on upon the massage table (she had only a towel covering her behind). Elizabeth was currently doing a stick massage upon her (sticks are used to help deep massage the muscles by allowing both hands to push down and roll the stick. Think rolling pin and Illyana being the dough).

 

Illyana had never really had massages before and found them to be... pleasant. Very pleasant.

 

Illyana groaned. _"I'll talk. I'll talk. All my secrets are yours if you but stop this torture."_ She was only partially joking, shards her leg hurt.

 

 _"This is not torture... but secrets are fun to know."_ Elizabeth replied as she firmly kneaded Illyana's leg to the sound of even more grunts and groans from Illyana.

 

 _"Ask and I... might answer."_ Illyana replied with a grimace. Then she sighed an Ahhhhh of relief as her leg finally stopped cramping.

 

_"What is your world like? You always avoid speaking of it."_

 

Illyana groaned in relief and replied. _"Violent, but in that regards I suppose it is not much different from yours. Thing... differ in other ways. I suspect that you would find it to be... lacking in civility. And many of the women engage in public displays of undress that would... well your mother would likely faint. And there are frequent public displays of affection that your culture would find... indiscreet.”_

_"Sounds very indecent"_ was Elizabeth's response as she began a foot massage that Illyana found booth delightful and somewhat disturbingly erotic.

 

 _"It can be.”_ Snicker. _"How some of the woman I know dress for combat would be so scandalous here... although I suppose Lydia would be game to give it a go."_

 

_"That girl. Mother is always encouraging her. I fear nothing good will come of it.”_

 

 _"Yes, Lydia does appear to be rather... wild at times."_ Groan. _"Once I am better I hope I can impose upon you to teach me the art of massage."_

 

Elizabeth grinned unseen as she continued to reduce Illyana to pudding.

 

_"Agreed. As you know Jane is the only other so skilled as the others prefer to receive but not to give. Jane and I would be pleased to be so attended. It would allow both of us to be relaxed at the same time."_

…

…

 

…

…

 _"Would you stop doing that!"_ Mary shrieked in surprise.

 

Elizabeth had snuck up on her and had startled her yet again. It was another round of Scare The Ninja, a game that Elizabeth liked to play (inflict really) upon the others (nobody else liked the game).

 

You never knew when Elizabeth would do it. The purpose was to remind the girls to always be on guard. **One must be forever vigilant!**

 

Jane disapproved of the game (and hated it when she was startled), but had to concede that the girls needed to be frequently reminded about being observant.

 

Illyana was mildly amused by Elizabeth's antics and, as she recovered, she too began to play the game; much to the distress of the others, including Elizabeth at times (which rather delighted her sisters to see her equally shrieking about being startled).

 

But they found that Illyana would never shriek when startled.

 

 _"Katherine trained that out of me."_ Was her only reply when asked how she kept silent.

 

**End Illyana Reflection**

 

 _“Anybody else got a story to share?”_ Asked Illyana.

 

Orphan thought of the time that Illyana came for supper at Wayne Manor, but wisely refrained.

 

 

**Begin Orphan Reflection**

 

_“Wayne Manor, Alfred speaking, may I help you?”_

 

_“Good afternoon, Alfred, this is Illyana Rasputin, returning Bruce's message? I'm in town for a few days...”_

 

_“Of course, Ms. Rasputin. He has left instructions to invite you here for dinner. Roast beef and potato au gratin have been decided upon; have you any preferences concerning additional vegetables or side dishes?”_

 

_“I have a liking for buttered turnips? If that's not too gauche?”_

 

_“Nothing further from, Ms. Rasputin. Buttered turnips it is. Would seven eastern time be convenient? I expect the family will be in attendance.”_

 

_“That would be fine, I’ll will be there at promptly seven. I'll bring dessert.”_

 

_“Excellent! Then ten for dinner, including yourself, Ms. Rasputin. We look forward to seeing you.”_

 

_“May I bring a guest?”_

_“Of course, they shall be most welcome...”_

That night….

 

Illyana arrived for supper, formally dressed for supper, not too formal, but formal, with Lockheed riding on her shoulder (Lockheed is Kitty Pryde’s small purple dragon, Lockheed also hangs out with Illyana from time to time when Kitty’s busy). She has also brought a massive, utterly decadent cheese cake with a glistening chocolate genache topping, and a dish of highly tart raspberry sauce that perfectly offset the sweetness of the confection. Suffice it to say the Bat Clan was a bit taken back by the dragon. But Lockheed was given the reserved chair next to Illyana and he contently curled up to take a nap in the chair after having some beef.

…

…

 

The meal was going splendidly. Illyana found the meat to be perfect, and the turnips just right. The group had conversed upon a variety of subject while staying away from personal topics… at first.

 

Illyana sipped her soft cider (wine was not served as multiple patrols would be going out that night) and then spoke. _“I know you want to ask questions, can’t blame you. But it is still most… irritating to find that many events of my life are public knowledge… heck sold for entertainment. Rather disconcerting. So… feel free to ask but… please try to respect some privacy.”_

 

Tim Blake (The Red Robin) asked. _“Um… why do you wear such a skimpy costume? And what happened to your silver armor?”_ A question about her black and skimpy field uniform.

 

_“You all wear full body costumes, with armor and all that. I used to, but… well, I still do.”_

 

Illyana’s rather skimpy all black getup spread across her body, replacing the formal wear. The black leather short shorts, a thick black belt with the big silver buckle, black upper thigh length leather boots, black boob window top with a exposed belly, the glove on her right hand and the black armored gauntlet on her left that covered her entire arm, along with the spiky shoulder pad. Then it faded away and the formal wear returned.

 

_“I found after Phoenix I was bored with the old look, I suppose being joined with Emma may have had something to do with it. I refashioned my armor into the current expression, which really is just a variant of how I looked as Phoenix, apart from being all black leather. I’m still fully armored, it’s just that most of it is invisible, as I like this look better. So… yea rather well protected and yet… revealing.”_

 

Stephanie Brown (The Spoiler) inquired. _“How was it like being Phoenix?”_

 

_“Wonderfully terrible. Hope to never do it again.”_

 

Richard “Dick” Grayson’s (Nightwing) question earned him a glare from Bruce. “ _How do you rate the Bat Glare?”_

_“Threatening, most impressive for a mortal. Batman excludes a menace that hurting you is ok with him. Scott Summers could glare almost as good, but really would refrain from violence if he could. Better then Logan’s and Emma’s, but Emma really can back up the glare with unpleasant results for most people, me excluded. Kitty’s glare tends to mean that a tongue lashing is at hand rather than physical violence. I tend to ignore most glares because… well die a few times and glares just loss their menace.”_

 

Barbra Grayson (ex Bat Girl) then asked. “ _How does your glare rate?”_

 

Illyana scowled and then glared. Impressive, but not Bat grade, but then… darkness crept into the corners of the room and the light grew pale and weak, and the glare kept growing in intensity… but then the glare faded.

 

_“I can glare with the best plus I have magic at my side, and… a propensity to violence, just like my host.”_

 

Selina Kyle (Catwoman) inquired. _“So why are you still coming around here?”_

 

_“I… kind of like it here. Always fun to take out one’s frustrations on criminals. Plus I’m contemplating a few things. Rather private things but… need to work out some kinks as it were. I must say, very pleasant being invited for supper. Half the time I get this vibe, even from the X-Men, as if they're all wondering if I’m going to kill them all today… which is really a bit of a social downer.”_

 

Illyana had her cool on so Lockheed decided to ruin it for her by suddenly taking wing, grabbing the denuded joint of beef, and flying up to the top of the ceiling to land upon an exposed beam, there to enjoy his theft.

****

A tactic that definitely broke the ice. ** _“LOCKHEED! Come back with the roast you little stinker! You're making me look bad!”_**

****

Just a smoky chuckle from the rafters, and the sound of cracking bone. Then Barbara giggled, and Spoiler joined in… and everyone laughed.

 

**End Orphan Reflection**

 

Yes… bad idea sharing that story with those not of the Bat Clan. Then a giggling Harley raised her hand…

 

 

**Part 5f: Meanwhile…**

 

The Oracle avatar was on autopilot while Illyana told the story of how she learned massage and Barbara prepared herself a small meal. She felt a touch off, almost as though she had had been drinking - the taste of good red wine lingered in her mouth, even though she had changed out her water bottle for a fresh one. Thus, something to eat, to steady herself. Just as she returned with her peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich, the data run on the name 'Mazikeen' and all its variants completed. With the ease of long practice, she refined the search results... And carefully put the half-eaten sandwich down as she read. Then she turned to the Oracom, and Selina Kyle's phone shrilled with a ringer no one associated with the Justice League or the Bat Clan ever wanted to hear.

 

_“Selina? Barbara. I'm dumping data to your phone. Illyana is in town tonight, she brought a crew with her, most of whom we have dossiers on. They're bad enough, especially that X-23 woman. But 'Mazikeen' we'd never heard of... Yes. Precisely. That's what Vatican Online, the Smithsonian, Miskatonic University, and the Black Library have about an entity with that name. Yes, God help me, I think it is - or close enough to make damn little difference. I put Cassie in with them to keep an eye on things, and so far so good... Because they're all drinking! No, not Cassie, she has coffee - but she is getting way beyond way out of her depth. Harley and Ivy are riding with them tonight, as well… Exactly. No one's going to say boo if the Sirens get together for a night, and I submit there's only one place in town we might want this lot drinking at..."_


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I appear to be mostly focused on humor for the moment, which is somewhat understandable as my job is not the happiest at this time (I’m currently transferring to another division so the daily angst of the ongoing politics should soon be behind me). But… this gives me something to laugh about.

**Part 6a: THREE DAYS LATER**

 

Mazikeen…

 

Oracle had included more then a few references in the log, and Batman read them with rising concern.

 

The Hebrew translation was ‘Damagers’ or ‘Those who harm’.

 

Hittites used the name for a demonic god that punished the wicked.

 

The Assyrian pantheon had a Mazikeen whose role was apparently the torturer of the evil dead.

 

And then there was the rather detailed descriptions of just what an entity called Mazikeen liked to engage in from Vatican Online, the Smithsonian, Miskatonic University, and the Black Library. With links to the web pages and even a few helpful paintings. Paintings that the Mazikeen photo did partially resemble… apart from all the paintings only having half a normal face, the other half looked like it had been skinned alive, the eye removed, and the skinned face rotting.

 

Not a companion Batman would have gone out to paint the town with.

 

 

**Part 6b: Luck can be so subjective…**

 

But before Hardly could start to tell her story, Orphan held up a hand for silence. Amazingly, she got it, and everyone clearly heard two pairs of heavy, booming gunshots. Then a young man in jeans and a dirty yellow tee shirt sprinted from a dark alley, clutching a backpack in one hand and an enormous ancient revolver in the other. He ran out into traffic, firing behind himself once more as he did, and then without pause, vaulted into the limo, kneeling on a seat and aiming back to the alley. He glanced at Illyana, a look of desperation on his face.

 

 ** _"Fucking make this thing go, lady!"_** He all but screamed at her.

 

Illyana obliged. _"Skeeter, give us a block, eh?"_

The thug promptly found himself sprawled across the laps of Mazikeen, Dani, and Jubilee (who did nothing but grin as the mouse fell into a cage full of cats) as Betsy swerved a lane into oncoming traffic while she accelerated rapidly, then slid between a pair of trucks that were at least going the right way, and then leapt thru an intersection before sedately resumed her previous pace. Laura grinned behind the desperado's back, silently popped a claw, and swung. Dozens of little baggies containing small tan lumps slid out of the gutted bag onto the seat.

 

Betsy came to a stop, the red light gleaming balefully before Harley couldn’t keep the laughter contained as she guffawed. _"Dealer, huh? Oh sweetie, your luck is so-oo much crap tonight..."_

 

The drug dealer swung the gun around to point at Harley. _"What the fuck is that supp…"_ He broke off as he realized just who he was pointing a gun at.

 

Harley grinned. _"Charter Arms Bulldog, right? Nice gun. I have one."_

 

A high, weird laugh right behind him spun the drug dealer around to face Jubilee at less than three feet distance - and he squeaked at the sight of her eyes and fangs.

 

 _"Forty-four special. Five shots."_ Harley continued as the revolver impotently clicked twice at Jubilee. _"You're empty. Best look around, kid. You picked the wrong car to try to jack... Me personally, I’d just beat you like a drum and leave you in the gutter, but some of these broads? A few of them would just eat you up and I mean dat in a culinary sense. And kiddo, those aren’t even the nasty ones."_

 

The kid did indeed look wildly around - at Illyana of the burning eyes, at Dani, who just looked at him without expression, at Mazikeen, who idly twirled a cruelly serrated knife on her fingertip and ignored the drop of blood it drew, and finally at Poison-freaking-Ivy who the miscreant then realized that he had pointed a gun at Ivy’s girl...!

 

The kid launched himself out of the limo, dropping the revolver as he did so. Baggies flew everywhere as he made for the alley. Orphan instantly went after him, taking him down before he could even gain thirty feet. _"Oracle, drug dealer captured, 64th at 11th West, left of the Starbucks. Shots fired by perp one block west, this street, opposite side; unknown if any one hit. Weapon captured..._ " She glanced back at the limo, and Illyana obligingly tossed the weapon to her. _"Send police soonest?"_

Various comments were tossed at Orphan from the other Bad Girlz as Orphan subdued and zip tied the perp. The ones from Mazikeen and Harley did make Orphan blush from behind her mask as Mazikeen and Harley tried to one up each other.

 

Once the perp was hogtied and subdued, Illyana grinned and stood up. " _Ladies, the police will be here in just about four minutes. I suggest an additional Starbucks. We need to toast Orphan when we get back, and…"_ She covertly grabbed the Chaos bottle. _"Orphan's cup is going to need warming up."_

 

Afterwards…

 

As Betsy pulled away from the curb after the GCPD had taken custody of the dealer, a toast of Starbucks' finest was offered to Orphan as she reseated herself. Orphan smiled in spite of herself, and raised her own cup, noting it was once again full and that perfectly hot drinking temperature. She sipped, and then took a larger mouthful, feeling the renewed warmth as she swallowed. It tasted very good indeed, warming her and easing her somehow. She looked questioningly at the cup and then at the group.

 

 _"We topped it up for you."_ Dani responded, gesturing at the receding Starbucks.

 

With what was a flicker thought… but an ever fading distant thought as she took another swallow. Orphan made a mental note to revisit the shop at a later time. Wow… best coffee ever!

 

 _“We need some tunes!”_ Cried out Jubilee. Healed and back in the game. A quick vote resulted in…

 

The lyrics of First We take Manhattan by Leonard Cohen crooned from the sound system as the car resumed its meandering journey thought the streets of Gotham.

 

_They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom_

_For trying to change the system from within_

_I'm coming now, I'm coming to reward them_

_First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin_

_I'm guided by a signal in the heavens_

_I'm guided by this birthmark on my skin_

_I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons_

_First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin_

_I'd really like to live beside you, baby_

_I love your body and your spirit and your clothes_

_But you see that line there moving through the station?_

_I told you, I told you, told you, I was one of those_

_Ah you loved me as a loser, but now you're worried that I just might win_

_You know the way to stop me, but you don't have the discipline_

_How many nights I prayed for this, to let my work begin_

_First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin_

…

…

 

 _“Just were are we going Yana?”_ Asked Dani as they all laid back and groove to the song.

 

 _“Iceberg Lounge, a rather unique place.”_ Replied Illyana.

 

 _“So Illyana, how… um… popular are you with the magical types in this universe?”_ asked Jubilee.

 

**Begin Illyana Flashback**

 

San Francisco, city by the bay, early evening. The fog is rolling in on the cool damp air, like it so often does.

 

We find Illyana reading a small thin book of Russian poetry while sipping some tea at the Asha Tea house, and no, the tea was not in a tea bag; it was a pot of Oriental Beauty (Dong Fang Mai Ren). She was dressed in some relaxed, but very nice, formal wear. She was sitting at a small table (two chairs, she was in one and the other is empty). Illyana was waiting for somebody, to be more specific somebodies.

 

But not this somebody.

 

Before her stood a black haired female somebody who was dressed as a female stage magician. Long black leather boots that reached above the knees, silk stockings, and feminized tuxedo. A somebody who was casting some kind of enchantment at Illyana as a certain somebody chanted words backwards.

 

**_“NOMED, I HSINAB UOY KCAB OT EHE SMLAER UOY ECAM FROM!”_ **

 

Except the last part… which caused the somebody’s eye brows to rise in surprise, then she tried again.

 

 ** _“DEMON, I BANISH YOU BACK…”_** She stopped in frustration.

 

Illyana did not even glance up from her book. _“Please stop, Zatanna, you’re embarrassing yourself… and me.”_

 

**_“I UNDO THE…_ ** _blazes what did you do to me?”_

 

Illyana closed her book, took a sip of tea, then replied as she gestured at the empty chair.

_“Negated your ability to speak backwards. Standby enchantment I created because… well… speaking backwards? How… Let’s just say Dr. Strange would be most embarrassed to see the art practiced as such. Really how..”_

 

An ineffectual glare from Zatanna which caused Illyana to look slightly exasperated. She signaled to a waitress who promptly dropped off a second brownstone tea cup. Zatanna scowled, but as immediate combat did not appear to be in the offering, sat down.

 

Illyana offered… _“Would you like some tea? It’s very good.”_

 

 _“Like I’d be that gullible to take anything from a demon.”_ Was Zatanna’s disdainful reply.

 

 _“Perish the thought.”_ Replied Illyana, who then refilled her cup and went back to reading her book.

 

Leaving a frustrated, and ever growing irritated, Zatanna who found glaring at a person hidden behind a book to be most unsatisfying. Finally Zatanna spoke.

 

_“Why are you here?”_

 

Illyana replied while continuing to read. _“Having tea. As I said, it’s very good, you should try some.”_

Zatanna gestured at the room, which may have been ineffective as Illyana could not see the gesture. _“No, why are you here?”_

 

_“In this room?”_

 

_“Where else?”_

 

_“I don’t know. That’s why I inquired, that was a rather open ended question.”_

_“Don’t play games with me Demon.”_

_“If I answer wrongly you’ll get even more agitated, I was simply making sure I understood you question.”_

 

_“Yes… in this room.”_

 

_“I’m waiting.”_

 

_“For who or whom?”_

_“How is that any business of yours?”_

 

_“Because you are in my world!”_

 

Illyana closed her book and looked about the room as if searching for something, then a small shake of her head. _“Pfff, doesn’t have your name on it.”_

 

_“I don’t know what evil you are here to do, foul creature but…”_

 

That’s when Zatanna heard a shouted **_“Illyana!”_** from behind her. She turned and… It was some of the Titans. There was Beast Boy (Garth) with four of the female Titan crew, Raven, Jinx, Ravager and Starfire. Raven had called out and was waving.

 

Illyana waved back as she stood. _“Time to go. I’d invite you to come clubbing with us but... no.”_

 

With that Illyana left a stewing Zatanna who tried to cast some power projection, but only a few sparkles came out of her fingers.

 

The magical negation did wear off… after a while.

 

**End Illyana Flashback**

 

 _“Not… popular.”_ Replied Illyana. _“Raven’s okay. We get along fine… but the others…_ _not so much.”_

 

Meanwhile… a purple Lamborghini departed the Bat cave. Catwoman was en route.

 

 

**Part 6c: When Harley met Illy**

 

But now time for the interrupted story from Harley as Harley described how she and Illyana had first met…

 

Harley Quinn was feeling pretty good about life, as she sat alone in the public portion of the Iceberg Lounge and drank. She was briefly back in Gotham, and thanks to the Bat, Bruce Wayne, and a bunch of online lawyer and counselor types - and a very distinct lack of Joker in her life - she was a free woman; and so was Ivy. And if it wasn't for the fact that Cats had made it clear that Brucie was hers, Harls would have been plotting a seduction, in order to properly express her appreciation of what Brucie had done for her and Ivy. But Cats had, and she was one of the best friends Harley had, so that wasn't going to happen. Anytime soon, anyhow…

 

It was just a little after ten in the AM. The 'Berg (the public 'Berg, that is) was open for the early lunch crowd, sell souvenirs, and to accept deliveries. The Rogue's portion was open twenty four hours a day, technically... But Jaye had let her know that it'd be a hassle, and why didn't she just take a table upstairs in the public spaces? There was no reason not to so… she had gone up to the reserved tables, putting herself on display for anyone who looked up, and had called for a bottle of the strongest vodka the House had, and a carafe of orange juice. Ivy had said she would meet between eleven and twelve, so why not get a good meal, a light buzz going, and enhance the 'Berg's rep for being an edgy place? Jaye and Wren had grinned, and here she was. A new girl was serving, said her name was Cassowary, she had brought the vodka and OJ quickly and the day was looking good.

 

Harley had just received her food (full pound burger, hold the bread, pair of gorgeous butter fried sunny side up eggs sitting on the meat, steak fries on the side. The veggies for the burger sat in an iced bowl with oil and vinegar on standby for if Ivy wanted them when she came by) and Harley was halfway thru her second screwdriver, when a young, blonde woman came up the stairs… all by herself! This was notable because, being the 'Berg, about the only place a civvie went unescorted was the potty... But one glance at the black leather skintights, the proudly strutting legs, and most of all the glowing eyes, told Harley that this was no poser.

 

 _"Just us girls up here right now!"_ Harley grinned. _"I'm Harley. Wanna drink? I din't even know Stoli made a one-thirty-five proof; I need ta get me some. Goes good with the OJ, though. Have a seat, new girl be up here quick, I bet."_

 

The young woman just looked at her, and her eyes eased to human normal, a brilliant icy blue. _"I will."_ She said, seating herself. _"Is that good?"_ she asked, indicating Harley's plate.

 

 _"Just like steak and eggs!"_ Harley grinned. " _Not so hard ta cut or chew, though. Tell Cassowary when she comes ya want th' number sixteen, hold the bun. She'll ask ya what ya want with it.”_ Then Harley took an empty glass that had been brought for the absent Ivy. _“Here… let me pour ya a drink!”_

 

 _“That would make a kind of sense…”_ Replied Illyana as she sat down.

 

Harley offered her hand. _“I’m Harley…”_

 

Illyana accepted the hand shake. _“Illyana.”_

 

 _“Illy for short…”_ was Harley’s comment. Just then Harley’s cell phone rang. _“Scuse me… Ivy…? A sale, you say…? One hour only?!”_ Harley hung up and got quickly to her feet. _“Got’s da run!”_ With that Harley ran out of the 'Berg with a shouted. _“I’ll get with ya later, Jaye! Put it on my tab!”_ Leaving a bemused Illyana who took a sip of her screwdriver. After all, it had been made with her private stash of vodka.

 

Harley passed Oswald (the Penguin and proprietor of the Iceberg Lounge) as he hurried up the stairs to address Illyana. _“A thousand pardons, Mrs. Rasputin, We were redoing the private stock area, and the new girl Cassowary did not realize that the inventory in that area was not for general use.”_

 

 _“No matter.”_ Replied Illyana, swiping a fry from the plate and then having some more of her drink. _“Always fun meeting somebody who either does not know who I am or is impressed. Rather… pleasant and rare situation.”_

 

 

**_Part 6d: Back in the car…_ **

 

 _“Most people call her Yana if they abbreviate her name.”_ Commented Dani.

 

 _“So why are you two in the city today?”_ Inquired Jubilee.

 

Ivy and Harley and looked at each other, grinned, and replied with a cheer. _“Shopping!”_

 

Harley clarified a bit. “ _And shoes… Bloomingdales had a sale.”_

Ivy added a bit more. _“Amazon is nice, but tactile feel is very important.”_

 

Mazikeen then commented. _“We are being followed.”_

 

 _“I know…”_ Replied Illyana. Likewise similar answers from Orphan, Laurie, Dani, and Harley.

 

 ** _“It’s Catty!”_** Proclaimed Harley who stood up in the limo and waved at the purple Lamborghini that was following them. A block behind, Nightwing was also following on his motorcycle.

 

With that the Limo pulled up to the Iceberg.

 

 

**Part 6e: Elsewhere…**

 

Masker Ken and Todd were confronting one of the perils of interdimensional travel. The dreaded pit of eternal peril. A rickety swinging bridge crosses a mist filled pit from which the screams and groans can be heard. Master Ken and Todd were on one side of the pit confronting the crossing. A vagrantly looking old man was waiting in front the bridge, blocking their ability to cross.

 

 _“What is this Master?”_ Inquired Todd.

 

Master Ken replied. _“When one crosses the boundaries of space and time, occasionally the path involves danger. I have faced this before. To pass we must each answer three questions, failure to answer will cast you into the gorge of peril. Or groin of eternal peril as I like to call it.”_

 

_“Peril?”_

 

_“You know, waterboarding, eye dilations, politicians grand standing, aggressive panhandling… and such and so on and so forth”_

 

_“Is there not another way Master?”_

 

_“Yes… but involves even more peril.”_

 

_“Even more Master?”_

 

_“Yes Todd… it involves the IRS and lube… a great deal of lube.”_

 

Todd contemplates the IRA, lube, and likely rubber gloves for a moment, then… “ _I vote for the bridge Master.”_

 

_“Wise choice Todd, the IRS has a move they call the two fisting audit. Wise choice on avoiding it. I’ll go first. Whatever you do, do not not answer a question. Make up an answer if you don’t know.”_

 

With that Master Ken went up to the old man who then spoke.

 

_“Who would cross must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.”_

 

 _“Rather gender biased.”_ Replied Master Ken.

 

_“What mean you?”_

 

_“Do women get to cross without questions? Or are women not allowed to cross?”_

 

 _“I… I don’t know.”_ Answered the old man. With that he screamed as he was flung by forces unseen into the pit, as if a giant hand had seized him by his privates.

 

Master Ken then crossed the bridge and gestured to Todd to cross as well.

 

As Todd crossed he asked Master Ken a question. _“How did you know to ask such a question Master?”_

 

_“A master of Ameri-Do-Te is a master of many things. What would you have done?”_

 

 _“I… don’t know, Master Ken…”_ And with that a screaming Todd was cast in the pit of eternal peril, likewise clutching his crotch.

 

Masker Ken sighed, then he himself jumped into the pit after Todd. Shortly after that the volume of screaming increased from the gorge as Master Ken demonstrated that one should always remember to stomp the groin.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Giggle. LordGrise and I come up with the topic of… well… you’ll see. It will help if you have read chapter five and six of What to do about Magik. Also apologies for any crudity, you’ll see why.

**Part 7a: THREE DAYS LATER**

 

Batman is a man of many grunts; so… a bat grunt of approval from Batman involving Orphan’s takedown of the perp. Then a grunt of resigned irritation as he continued to read the log, followed by a grunt that communicated that he had finally learned the answer to a long term puzzle that had vexed him.

 

Followed by a grumbly series of concerned grunts of as he thought upon the likely implications of that answer.

 

Then, another grunt, but this grunt communicated dismay at several levels, then… After reading more of the log and viewing some attached photos.

 

A grunt that communicated a sense of… anticipation.

 

 

**Part 7b: Catwalk introductions**

 

Selina studied the back end of the limo she was pacing. She didn't recognize the make or the model; the shape of the tail lights evoked the vertical wings of the early sixties Cadillac’s, but in a very modern manner emphasized by the clean, razor sharp incarnadine light of the LEDS. And then there was the trunk badge: a silver sword over a bonfire emblem whose flames continually twisted and curled as if they were real. The bumper sticker did make her grin.

 

**WARNING. Driving too close to this vehicle may involve you in events beyond your control!**

 

As they slid past a streetlight, the lamplight gleamed off a discreet cursive script on the lower inner passenger side edge of the trunk lid: it simply read _'CUSTOM'._ Selina blinked and then grinned delightedly: the bumper sticker had changed, and now read.

 

**This vehicle represented by Bilkham, Bernham, and Runne**

 

Why yes, this was Magik indeed! But Selina had idea as to who Bilkham, Bernham, and Runne were. A quick verbal net search only turned up a three stooges film where the stooges had worked at a law firm.

 

Selina’s delight was to be short lived; she grimaced as the limo, far from heading for one of the discreet drop off points the Rogues generally used, was heading for the front entrance to the Iceberg Lounge. The very, very public front entrance, the one place that the Penguin tolerated paparazzi (provided, of course, they were either on the payroll, or had paid the 'weekly access fee'.)

 

**My other vehicle is a dimension**

 

This was problematic as Selina was in costume (purple sleek full body cat woman costume), her headpiece thrown back so as to pass in traffic with relatively little comment, and how-in-the-hell was she or any of the Sirens going to enter without exciting all the wrong kinds of attention (although they had already been on TV twice). Now none of them were technically wanted... but… paparazzi feeding frenzy would not begin to describe what would occur. The bumper sticker shifted and prompted another giggle.

 

**I break for nothing!**

 

If they were to walk thru the front doors of the Iceberg, it would make the news. Huge news, and would generate all kinds of buzz. Penguin frowned upon gratuitous crossover of his two businesses. But being edgy and never knowing who might show was part of the Iceberg's cachet... And they had already been making quite a bit of news…

 

**My crossover superhero team can beat you your crossover super hero team**

 

While she was thinking this, Magik's limo had had slid into the drop-off lane; Selina reflexively slid her cowl up and over, and felt it slip into place as her purple Lamborghini Reventon followed suit.

 

**Make Limbo Great Again!**

 

Catwoman watched as the ladies of the other car stood and then clearly proceeded downstairs into the car as the windows simply slid up and the roof folded over to form a fairly standard format medium length limo... that clearly only had one level. Which meant that here was a car with a basement… mused Selina. That… was new. But again… Magik was involved.

 

The bumper sticker now read.

 

**What you lookin' at, puddytat?**

 

Selina’s cellphone rang. The screen read simply MAGIK. Catwoman sighed, and answered. _"Hey, Illyana! Room for one more?"_

 

Illyana's voice was uncharacteristically laughing. _"Of course! Just mind the first step.”_

 

Several seconds later…

 

The tenth-of-a-second actinic flare was all the warning the occupants of the car got before Catwoman literally dropped in on them. She made a perfect four point landing in front of the bar, and was standing even as everyone spun to face her. Catwoman grinned and sensuously stretched a touch before advancing predatorily towards her chosen prey.

 

_"Welcome back, Illyana. We recognized everyone you brought with you… all except this one."_

 

She stopped in front of Mazikeen. " _At first, we thought she was Monet St. Croix, but then Orphan joined up, and we learned your name is Mazikeen."_ Catwoman's fingers slipped between Mazikeen’s, and thus Catwoman was holding Mazikeen's wine flute (containing some of Illyana’s chaos beverage). She inhaled the scent appreciatively, and then sipped while watching Mazikeen for any reaction.

 

_"Oracle's been doing research on that name, how's this universe's version of you taking your presence?"_

 

Mazikeen actually saw the magic take hold: Catwoman's eyes widened a touch as the pale blue vapors swirled up as Selina purred her approval. _"Oh, that's sublime. Verona, cream and… Chambord? No, not quite..."_

 

She handed the flute back after taking a second sip and finished addressed Mazikeen. _"The online artwork that depicting the you-of-here doesn't do you justice at all. Incidentally, love your lip color."_

 

Mazikeen smiled savagely as she responded. _"She'd have been enraged beyond words. But, according to Illyana, the Mazikeen of this world liked small children raw, with salt and olive oil. Her opinion is as irrelevant as she as she was vanquished thousands of years ago.”_ While eyeing the back leather whip that hung coiled at Selina’s hips. It was marginal as it was but a product of this world's technology (demon whips are so much more… resilient), but a whip was a whip, and she was going to show the little kitten just how it was used...

 

 _"Don't get your Frosties in a bunch, Maz..."_ Came Illyana's laughing comment before Mazikeen could make her move. And with that, Harley was off and running.

 

 _"Oh, hey, you guys got them too? Ain't they the greatest panties a girl could ask for? They don't stain, they don't take stink, they breathe..."_ Harley grinned, totally oblivious to the looks she was drawing. _"An' they kill bacteria too! You can wear 'em for a week straight, an' ya don't smell like fish! Why… I once used my bra to bandage up Mister J after he got a head wound. Funny looking but worked just fine, plus they were bullet resistant which helped to protect him when the building collapsed. Did make a funny looking mug shot."_

 

Jubilee had heard the starting gun too. _"The stretch, the feel of them... Emma makes a mint making 'em! Yeah, they're pricey, but they're worth every penny! There’s almost no super or villain in the free world who does without them, man or woman! I was real concerned after becoming a vampire about the vampire trick of turning into vapor, clothing and all, wouldn't work for them because, you know, unstable molecules. I mean, who wants to turn to mist and have their bra and panties fall to the floor, am I right? Well… not this girl, let me tell you! I mean… you can’t just leave them because of the cost; not to mention souvenirs for a bunch of creeps to abuse. And the thought of a cloud of vapor somehow holding on to a set of bra 'n panties is just so not right. And it would be really hard to sneak up on people; although I suppose folk might think it was a weird kind of ghost with a panty and bra fetish. I wonder if that’s how some ghost stories get… started…”_ Jubilee wound down as she noticed the stares and silence.

The sudden silence was ringing (both the topic of Frosties and Jubilee’s verbal deluge). Jubilee actually looked self conscious as she took in the stares. _"What? We're all wearing them…Right? Apart from Illyana that is as she tends to go commando, and Wolverine never did cause I guess it’s manly for your privates to be on fire if you can regenerate. Like… my coat is made of unstable molecules as well…"_

Jubilee gestured to Harley, who grinned. _"She is, she just said so! Uhm… show of hands...?"_

 

All the Marvel universe heroines raised their hands (except Illyana who was slightly put out about Jubilee announcing to one and all that Illyana liked to go commando; she was but no need to just tell one and all).

 

 _“I don’t wear undergarments.”_ Stated Mazikeen with a tone of dismissal as the vote was taken; so… two commando then.

 

Of the DC ladies, only Harley and Catwoman raised their hands (Harley and Jubilee did a high five).

 

Catwoman dryly commented. " _A long time ago_ _I traded a Renoir painting for the three I have. Nobody has ever found a reliable provider. And I will not do business with the one woman who does sell them from time to time..."_

 

Ivy's comment was bitter. " _Zatanna Zatara, I'll bet. I tried to get a pair, and what she wanted in return... I couldn't do it. Even if she did promise they'd be…"_ she made quote marks in the air _"in my theme.”_

 

Harley looked at Ivy in astonishment. _"What'd she want, Red? One of your babies...?"_

 

Ivy's voice was calm, but in her eyes was anger. " _She wanted me to sign a Contract. In a language I neither read nor speak. I said no."_

_“Wise.”_ Commented Illyana as signing such documents from a magic user was less then healthy.

 

 _“How do you procure yours?”_ Inquired Selina.

 

 _“Bloomindales, they have an exclusive world wide contract with Frost Industries.”_ Replied Dani.

 

 _“Bloomindales!?”_ Cried both Harley and Ivy at the same time. _“You mean you get to just walk in and buy them!? No black market!? No triad wars over panties?”_

 

 _“Um…”_ Dani was suddenly at a loss for words (likely the idea of gang wars over undergarments). But no worries, Jubilee still had plenty so say.

 

_“Yeah… heck a while ago they were even on sale for the first time ever and boy was it a mad house. Like a bomb had gone off. Now Megan is a Hello Kitty kind of girl, but Hello Kitty is no longer popular with the in teenage mutant or super human crowd… although I swear I once saw this human sized turtle-guy wearing a pair on his head, at least I think it was a he, he was shouting **‘cawabunga dude’** while eating a slice of pizza as he was riding a skate board… damn I miss pizza… and coffee… loved espressos. Anyway, the suckers aren’t cheap. I mean… Outrageous… Damn Emma sure knows how to screw people over, especially for money! Wait, that didn't come out right... Anyway. You’d think the X-Men at least would get freebies… but No-oooo! At least they're unbelievable durable. Plus you can always put in a special order, Ivy, if you have a specific fashion need, but that’s extra of course, and can take a few weeks.”_

 

 _“How much?”_ Inquired Orphan, joining in on the conversation. Orphan greatly desired her own set of Frosties), any pair; like many of the DC heroines and villainesses. Why… many only had one or the other, and more then a few had non matching pairs (oh the fashion horror, heck one of the reasons why Harley tended to always wear non matching undergarments).

 

 _“Couple hundred bucks for the plain white ones.”_ Was Laura’s casual answer. An answer that was shocked all the DC women as the price for such was a hundred to a thousand more in their universe, not as addition to the price, **a multiplier.** So, three hundred becomes three hundred thousand. Assuming you could find them, which was almost never.

 

Harley almost pulled a gun to demand… **DEMAND** … that they forthwith be taken immediately to their universe’s Bloomindales, but she stopped herself as that would be Buzzkill Maximus, not to mention just so not how to treat your new pals. And hopefully… unnecessary. All they needed to do was ask nicely, and Harley was willing to bet they'd be in like Flynn. Why… she could get Ivy a green dozen pairs! Assuming her Gotham Charge Card (A.K.A a Gothcard) would work there.

 

Harley imagined the conversation might go as such. _"Hey Illy… Think you could get us into this Bloomindales of yours? If so I gotta first hit a stash, got to grab me couple gold bars; they take gold right? I bet they'd cover the bill, even if Ivy gets a dozen custom, you think? I mean, you guys know the prices there. Maybe I could get a couple pair in red an' black, you think?"_

But this is how it really went, to the wide eyed astonishment of the Marvel gals. Harley dropped to her knees and begged. _“Please! Please take us! **PLEASE!** I’m begging ya! I’ve give you my best Mallet! The silver revolver! Ya like hyenas? I got two so you can have one! **PPPLLLLEEEAAASSSEEE!** ”_

More silence broken only by Mazikeen slurping upon on straw on yet another drink.

 

**Part 7c: Decisions, decisions**

 

Then Selina spoke with a controlled intensity. _“I think… we would truly like to visit this Bloomindales if it is at all possible Illyana.”_

 

Things were suddenly tense with the DC gals. Not hostile tense, but like this could be the start of a very unpleasant disagreement. Imagine you’ve been eating gruel for months, even years, only to have a roommate announce that the fridge has been stocked full of all manner of non gruel goodness all this time (Didn’t you know?). And now you’re wondering if they’re going to start eating those goodies in front of you, but you can’t have any; or… is sharing allowed?

 

Ivy was more diplomatic. “ _I think… Harley hit it on the head, as to our feeling, even though she did go over board.”_

Barbara chimed on the audio channel. _“Oh my god, pick me up a pair! Black and lacy!”_

 

Orphan said it best _. “Please.”_ She had no Frosties and… well… what heroine would not wish to visit the Frosties promised land?

 

A quick huddle by Illyana with Jubilee, Dani, and Laura. A discussion the others were noticeable unable to overhear. Then Illyana vanished in a teleportation circle, only to appear a few seconds later (which stilled the sudden panic that the opportunity to acquire Frosties had come and gone).

 

Illyana announced that. _“It does not violate the rules, but full costumes would.”_

 

 _“I’m fine with just Panties and Bras!”_ Was Harley’s overly enthusiastic agreement.

 

 _“What rules?”_ Inquired Selina, who caught the implications of Illyana’s statement.

 

 _“The rules… Hell Lord rules…”_ Was Illyana’s cryptic reply.

 

Everybody wanted to inquire as to such rules but… they then forgot all about it (not by Illyana’s doing, just that the rules kind of said you can’t talk about the rules and Hell Lords are just now allowed to change certain things).

 

 _“Now?”_ Breathy stated Ivy.

 

 _“Now.”_ Replied Illyana as she walked to the back of the limo and opened the door to the armory, but instead a dark and empty department store was shown, except for the Frosties department, that was lit and two clerks were standing by.

 

 _“Do we have time to swing by a stash that I have? Several bars of gold and…”_ Began Harley, but Illyana finished for her, somewhat smugly.

 

_“Your Gotham charge cards will work, but I suppose gold is okay as well.”_

Gold it was as Harley was first allowed to retrieved a few bars.

 

 

**Part 7d: Frosties**

 

Illyana made a after you gesture and it was Harley who was the first though (she ran in with her mallet), followed by a more sedate Ivy, Orphan, and the Selina. Then the Marvel gals, Mazikeen, and finally Illyana who closed the door after her.

 

 _“Why is it dark?”_ Whispered Jubilee. Why a whisper? The DC Gales were in awe as to the selection, the variety, and the prices; and Jubilee did not wish to dispute the mood.

 

 _“After hours.”_ Whispered Illyana. _“Special event.”_

 

 _“They opened just for us?”_ Whispered Dani.

 

 _“Emma asked them to.”_ Whispered back Illyana.

 

 _“Since when does Emma do favors?”_ Was Jubilee’s sarcastic reply.

 

Illyana’s reply was not detailed but did answer quite well. _“Quid pro quo.”_ A reply that just made Jubilee annoyed that others (meaning Illyana) apparently rated favors from the Ice Queen herself, favors that Jubilee did not rate. But the truth was harshly simple, Illyana could do and provide things that Emma wanted.

 

 ** _“Red! White! Blue!!!”_** Cried Harley as she grabbed a bag from the counter and started filling it. **_“Spring motif Ivy! They have spring colors!”_**

Orphan was a bit more discreet as she selected several bras and panties in her size, with different colors and styles. Likewise Selina was picking and choosing with discretion (Why… they have purple!). Well… a bit less discretion once the purple attire was found.

 

And of course a pair of lacy black ones were picked for Barbra, several in fact, and a very naughty pair of red ones.

 

The attendants were most helpful, and the event was just so complete when a tea cart with several pots of tea and some delightful cakes was wheeled out. Ahhh, refreshments and Frosties… a perfect event.

 

 _“What… Illyana… what do we owe you for this.”_ Asked Selina as she took another nibble of her lemon poppy cake.

 

 _“Nothing...”_ Giggled Illyana as she, Jubilee and Dani gave a cheer and a toast for Harley as she was modeling dissimilar undergarments (currently it was blue panties and a red bra). _“Oh… I almost forgot.”_

Illyana gave a nod at the attendants, one departed only to return with two gift wrapped boxes, one shoe box sized, the other much larger. The smaller box was given to Ivy who was surprised to receive the gift. She squealed in please as she opened the box to find a custom bra and panties that were green and leaf shaped.

 

The second box was given to Selina. Who likewise opened it to find a plethora of black silky bras and panties. All… risqué batman symbol shaped. The panties were g-strings with the bat symbol being the edges, think }{. The bras were likewise the bat symbol }. Each set had a little name tag attached. There was a set for all present, one for Oracle, and additional sets for all missing female batclan members.

 

 _“Oh… my.”_ Was Selina’s response as she showed the contents.

 

 _“You mean we get them too?”_ Squealed Harley, who snagged her set and immediately changed into them right there and then. The others at least made use of the changing rooms, even Orphan after Illyana assured her that nobody would be able to tell her identity, she kept her face mask on but everybody thought she was a different race; even Ivy who swore that Orphan’s skill color was light green.

 

Why… even Mazikeen had dawned her’s, with only some slight false protests.

 

So… we see our damsels, four DC heroines, four Marvel heroines, and Mazikeen; nine in all; dressed in nothing but bras and panties. They poised some selfies, group shots, and continued to partook of tee and cake as they chatted (the consensus was that the rest of the DC universe was going to turn green with envy; take that Amazon Island!). And the some of the group shots were very… interesting.

 

Orphan nudged Selina as she pointed to the bags holding the selected items _“Think small.”_ Then she pointed to the Frosties department. _“Think big.”_

 

Why… yes was Selina’s thought. At these prices she could… and with that she had a brief conversation with the clerks and after the card was scanned again, the transaction was done. All the DC universe was going to have to kowtow to this Kitty, and apparently Harley who wanted in on the deal as well (in like Flynn!) as the entire remaining inventory was purchased to be squired away for future DC universe sales.

 

What a perfect girl’s night out event.

 

But they were not as alone as they supposed.

 

 

**Part 7e: Interloper**

 

Deadpool (Wade Winston Wilson) took in the delightfully erotic display as he continued to silently record the scanty display with his mirrorless DSLS in both photo and video mode. It had been hot, really hot, when they had all just been trying on the normal Frosties (especially Harley’s tendency to just change out in the open). But with all of them dressed in the bat themed Frosties, the very tight and revealing Frosties… why… Deadpool just had to silently groan to himself.

 

These photos were going to make him a fortune. He’d heard a rumor that there was a big bust going down at Bloomingdales and the rumors were right! A whole bunch of big busts!

 

_Oh my… is it cold in here or is the chicken done? Why… some of those nips looked hard enough to key car paint!_

 

Where was Deadpool hiding? In the discounted oversized bra bin in the normal undergarments sections.

 

Deadpool focused on a particular DD close-up and tried not to drool. But… all this visual stimulation was stimulating little deadpool, meaning his costume was unconformable tight, and getting tighter. Yeah there was a gun in his pants and yes he was happy to be here, but that just meant there was even less room. So… some repositioning was desperately needed as the twins were protesting most urgently. Deadpool carefully moved his left hand down and silently adjusted himself; or so he thought.

 

Unnoticed by Deadpool, Laura’s eyes has briefly flicked to the where Deadpool was hiding, then she announced she needed to take a tinkle and gave Orphan a nudge. A nudge that Orphan correctly interpreted as she joined Laura in departing. Deadpool paid them no mind as he shifted his focus to the next set of bosomly goodness.

 

He continued to record, right up to when Laura and Orphan tipped the bin over spilling Deadpool in a pool of oversized bras at the feet of those he had been recording.

 

 

**Part 7f: Busted…**

 

Deadpool was in his red and black full body costume (Google it if you don’t know who Deadpool is), armed with a Japanese sword over his shoulder, several knives and guns secreted about his person, and also wearing a                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Spidy Underoos thong that kept horrifying Spiderman whenever it was shown (and yes, Google that as well, but remember that what has been seen cannot be unseen).

 

Deadpool sprang to his feet, while grabbing a pink frilly LLL sized bra, as the girls likewise sprang into action. Illyana summoned her soul sword and swung down as Wade dodged to the side and then leapt over Illyana and wrapped her head in the both cups of the bra and quickly tied it behind her head as he landed (yes a LLL sized bra can envelope your head). This was all done as Wade commented upon the scene to you, dear reader, as Wade loves to break the fourth wall as only the Merc with a mouth can (Wade comments to the reader are in italic without quotes)

 

_Okay… I concede this plan has more then a few flaws. But in my defense nobody told me that one of the busts tonight at Bloomingdales involved Magik. If I’d known that little detail I’d have skipped this cleavage clearance party. But man… she looks sexy in that bat bit of nothing she’s got on. Dodge the sword… leap… and tie her head up in this She-Hulk grade hooter holder._

Wad turns, but not before… _Nice ass, not quite Charmin squeezable but… no I shouldn’t… really shouldn’t butt (ha ha butt… get it)… It loookkks so tight and firm. Hells, it’s not my fault… I mean… she should have her spiky armor on her butt instead of her shoulder... To be honest, I’m the victim here as talk about leading one into temptation. Let’s give a quick squeeze as we...._ Deadpool gives Magik’s ass a firm two handed grip (and a squeeze) as he flips her into the using her butt cheeks as handles.

 

 _Hope I don’t get another ass whipping like I did the last time_ (See What to do about Magik chapter 15) _butt… I think I’ll be in the clear this time_. _A-Lister babe. **A List!**_

 

We see Magik go sprawling as Wade turns. _I mean… who’s your daddy Marvel? I’m your number one crossover costar! The go to guy! I can’t count the number of times I’ve been in a comic with Wolverine? Or Spidy? Daredevil. Hulk. Cable… Cables like a son to me; I mean… the series Cable and Deadpool, I let him have top billing, did fifty issues! And we know who the star was because I moved onto bigger and better things while Cable… he got reduced to guest star status at best before Marvel… well… punched his ticket shall we say. I don’t mean to name drop, but… Spidy and I are best buds! After all, he did lean how to quip from me. (_ Note to the readers, the only person Spidy does not quip with is Deadpool as Deadpool just appalls him that much. Another thing to Google and some of the situations are… well you will see why Deadpool just frustrates most of the Marvel characters) _And then there’s the Punisher, Avengers, even the DC universe from time to time; not that they ever remember. Heck… let’s face it folks. I’m the reason that Disney’s buying Fox. Not Logan… not the X-Men. It’s me! **Loveable o’ll A-List Deadpool!**_

We now see Dani running up to Wade and throwing a wicked right cross that Wade dodges by ducking. _Guess it’s time for some New Mutant leftovers, and barely a C-Lister at that_. _Poor Dani, years and years of exposure and just… nada. Oh the fickle public can be so cruel. Let’s see… I got my start with this sassy wench back in New Mutant Issue 98, when I burst upon the comic scene; in more ways then one I’m somewhat sorry to say as I had a little incontinence problem back then but all better now. I may have started out as a villain, butt (ha ha, that’s a joke that never gets old) even then I know I was destined for bigger and better antiheroic things._

A dodge to the left by Wade as he pushes on Dani’s shoulder blades causing her to spin off balance and then fall upon Illyana who was just beginning to push herself up off the floor. _Shame, the ultra long ponytail is a really good look for her, and that bat themed titty cage she’s wearing, has those bad boys locked up and secure!_ We see one of Dani’s breasts pop free due to her collision with Illyana. _Or… not. Guess that dohicky just wanted to be free. Would now be a good time for a chorus of Born Free? **Born free, free as the breast goes, free as the cleavage shows** … No? Okay, I can see how some might find that inappropriate._

Continuing to make his getaway, Wade confronted Ivy as she leaps to grab him.   _Green! What is it about a green chick that makes them just so damn hot!? Which reminds me, I always admired Captain James T. Kirk because man was he a horn dog, there wasn’t anything the man wouldn’t hit!_

 

A leap he steps into and to the side as he reached under with his left hand and over with his right hand, right on her ass, and just helped Ivy on her way right into the pile of Illyana and Dani. _A-Lister! Damn, I just got the touch, and I’m copping a few as well. Butt to be honest fans… something like this is one of my fantasies so… I get to cross this off the bucket list, right next to the nude nacho cheese Amazon wrestling festival. I know… I know. I make it look so easily… but I am the best of the best… That’s why when Marvel needs help on a weak title it’s o’ll wade to the sales rescue. Even X-Men titles, not that they let me on the teams… hey… you don’t suppose Kitty blocks me emails do you? I mean… that would be rude… butt she never responds to my texts…_

Harley enters the fray with a that massive mallet, which Wade grabs with both hands, spins a few times and flings Harley and her mallet right though the O of the Frosties department sign. _It’s… up up and away! Home run fans!_ _Lately, my publishing work tends to be Deadpool vs. Fill in the hero, or Deadpool kills (fill in the patsy). Those were totally my idea and the studio just ran with it. While I have lots of crossovers with the X-Men and Avengers, for some funny reason Marvel has never had a Deadpool and Magik team-up… Hint hint Marvel… just imagine the sales and the body count! As I’ve alluded to, I do swing both ways so sometimes I do DC as well. I again gracefully let Batman have top billing on Batman vs. Deadpool, but we really know why the fan were buying don’t we? But the truth is I did that gig to meet our next contestant._

The end of Selene’s whip wraps around Deadpool’s throat as his left hand reaches up to grasp it. _Now that’s a pair of DDs! Wish I could say I’d hit it, but that’s a negatory ghost rider; that pussy… cat belongs to da Bat. And can you blame him? Just look at the goodies in her bat boobie bracket! Wow! Talk about Battastic!_

Selina jerks the whip to force Deadpool off balance, but instead he does a forwards flip and lands on the whip which jerks the handle from Selina’s hands as it jerks her down and forward, a position which Deadpool takes advantage of by continuing his forward momentum as he grasps her outstretched arm and flings her over his head with a Judo threw right into the growing pile of woman, flattening Illyana yet again as well as Dani and Ivy. _Not as big as Power girl’s fun pillows, heck, almost nobody is that well endowed, but nothing to complain about… I mean, just look at all the eye candy. Speaking of eye candy, meaning… not, here’s Jubilee. One of the few X-Men who just doesn’t fill out her uniform if you get my drift. Has not ‘grown” into her role. No… maturation as she’s aged… Um… you do know I’m making boobie jokes… right?_

Jubilee comes into the mix in a half vapor form shouting a battle cry, while Wade retrieves a small breath spray from his utility belt. _It’s not just Batman who has a belt of things. I mean… I like Jubilee, but talk about the most under endowed of the X-Men. You’d think Beast would cure that considering everything else he tinkers with. She’s A cup C-Lister most of the time and that bat double-barreled slingshot she’s wearing is only walnut… na… peanut grade. And Jubs, I’ve fought Vampires before._ A few quirts of liquid garlic juice and Jubilee instantly rebodies as she flips end of over end right into… you guessed, it the pile of fallen women, and manages to tea-bag Dani right in the face just was Dani had managed to stand back up, causing Dani to fall on Illyana yet again.

Deadpool makes a few sliding dance moves as he encounters Orphan. They exchange a flurry of martial art moves, with Deadpool getting the worse of the fight as Orphan can read his moves.

 

 _Which brings me back to just what is an A-Lister? Is it power? Na… Galacticus has been here like… a bazillion times and lost every single time. Even to squirrel girl for crying out loud. My guess is the three stooges could take him down. No… an A-Lister means sales. Sales are what makes you a A-Lister or other grades. It’s the money, simple as that. How else do you think Wolverine had time to be on like… five teams at once? **MONEY!** Just look at how awful the Fox X-Men films are, and… how… Wolverine is in almost every single one! Wolverine here… Wolverine there… Wolverine everywhere! Now that’s A-Lister! Another tell is just now many fanboards and hits you have at Comic Book Resources, also known as community dot cbr dot com forward slash forumdisplay. _ (Author’s comment. Note that X-Books always has the most activity, A-list baby, A-List).

 

But, Deadpool then took advantage of Orphan’s talent by making a grab for her chest goodies causing her to block the lecherous attach, which results in a wrist grab by Deadpool and Orphan is likewise flung into the entwined female mass.

 

_Felt a bit pervy doing that, but the girl can read moves so… had to do something inappropriate to get a grip on her. Damn, she’s almost a fast as Laura… speaking of…_

Laura popped her hand claws with a snick and slashed which Deadpool did not attempt to dodge, instead he let Laura stab him in the chest while falling backwards, getting a foot planted on Laura’s chest while grabbing both of her wrists and… fling! Yet another airborne babe! Laura was just able to retraced her claws before knocking down the girls yet again.

 

**_Strrrriiikkee!_ ** _Damn I’m good. I mean… do you know how many times Wolverine’s stabbed me? Of course I’d come up with some counters. With great power comes great marketing opportunities, and chimichangas **. Lots and lots of chimichangas!**_

Wade did a little dance of mockery while holding up both hands to flip the bird only to discover that both middle fingers were missing, so only red blood spurts instead of the finger. _Damn it Laura! Crap, that’s going to take an hour or more to grow back. And no time to find the fingers. Well… tootles girls!_

Deadpool resumed his fleeing, only to then confront the final foe.

**Mazikeen.** Dressed only in the bat bit of nothing and armed with two knifes.

 

 _“Hey Maz.”_ Was Wade’s nonchalant statement _. “We good?”_

_“We’re good.”_ Was Mazikeen’s reply as she and Wade then exchanged a brief but passionate hug and kiss; a rather bloody kiss as Wade was bleeding all over her (and no Maz did not mind the blood). _What would you expect? She likes me with my mask off, not too many gall’s into this bod. And she’s one hottie you don’t what to get on the bad side of. Plus she’s got this little knife that let’s you and her go all night! Or… am I over sharing? Na…_

 

Wade fled, leaving a breathless Mazikeen behind as the other woman finally got to their feet and dashed after him, all but Illyana as she had been on the bottom of the female pile and was rather squished.

 

Deadpool pulls a small box with a button from one of his pockets, pushes it, and tosses it aside. Behind Wade the outraged pursuing posse started to close in. But… as Wade runs past various bins of female undergarments (tomorrow was a big clearance sale) the small explosive changes that Wade had previously planed started to go off after he passed. _Yeah… I mined them… what? Is that a problem?_

 

Explosions that filled the air with bras and panties, handbags and stuffed animals.

 

In slow motion we see Deadpool running away, arms raised high giving a bloody missing middle finger salute to the women.

 

A giant leather clad teddy bear is hurled into Dani by an explosion, taking her down in a sexy tackle.

 

A tsunami of undergarments buries Orphan, Jubilee, and Harley.

 

The handbags are Ivy’s undoing as she’s tangled by all the straps.

 

Laura and Selena vanish beneath an avalanche of nighties.

 

 _Now that is pure awesome!   I mean… is this great or what! Now this… this would sell a bunch of comics! What to call it…? I know. **Deadpool strips the Marvel Universe!** Talk about Stoppemfromfloppen_! _A-Lister bitches! **A lister!** Although I think the cast would change as we need more… presence (meaning acres and acres of boobage); so… Ororo, Emma, Jean Grey (the adult one), Psylocke (yeah, she’s well equipped) Rogue (oh you naught girl) and let’s get some Avengers action by tossing in the Black Widow. Now that would be an event of epic proportions!_

 

That’s when Illyana finally staggered to her feet, still blindfolded by the massive LLL pink bra. But then… flames erupted upon her body as horns grew from her forehead piercing the bra, likewise a tail flicked into existence from her tailbone while she ripped the now burning bra from her header reveling yellow eyes glowing with power.

 

She snarled **_“WADE!”_** from a mouth that now had very long incisures. Mystic red chains of power sprung into existence around Deadpool, binding him and causing him to fall to the ground and roll into a male manikin clothed only in a jock strap (a manikin with a very prominent bulge). The manikin broke and fell upon Wade resulting in the manikin’s bulge tea-bagging him.

 

Wade commented as he struggled to escape . _“Oh the irony!”_ As the pursing woman rose from the fashion debris and converted on him. **_“Then again… this is a good way to die.”_**

****

_Oh, and remember kids, writers love reviews so if you liked this then drop a comment._

****

Deadpool is beneath submerged by the scantily clad lynch party with one last war cry.

 

**“C _himichangas!”_**

 

 

**Part 7g: Or… was that really what happened?**

_“What is Wade going on about?”_ Inquired Dani (they were now re-clothed, but all were still wearing the bat bras underneath their clothing).

A tied up Wade was one the floor of Bloomingdales, a very unwrecked Bloomingdales, mumbling _“A-Lister… I’m an A-Lister…”_

_“I think Harley’s mallet knocked him silly.”_ Answered Illyana.

 

 _“Or when Orphan kicked his across the room.”_ Was Jubilee’s opinion.

_“Perhaps when Selene’s whip handle hit him right in the head?“_ Mused Ivy.

_“There’s a reason I have that weight in the handle.”_ Grins Selina. Wade had jumped on the whip and Selena just let go of the handle resulting in a conk on the forehead from the handle. _“But Illyana, was it necessary to repeatable impale him with your sword?”_

 

 _“Yes.”_ Was Illyana’s satisfied answer.

 

 _“Is he… okay?”_ Inquired Orphan, concerned that the beating from the Marvel gals had been excessive, not to mention the multiple stabbings from Laura and Illyana; Laura had even stabbed Wade in the head.

 

 _“He’ll be fine.”_ Groused Laura, still peeved. _“Logan used to always stab him in the head. Heck, I could cut his head off and he’d still be making quips… shall I demonstrate?”_

 

The DC gals demurred so Deadpool got to keep his head for now.

 

 _“So what do we do with the perv?”_ Inquired Harley, after giving him a kick. She raised her mallet. _“I could always give him a few more whacks?”_

 

After an additional brief discussion, Deadpool ended up in the trunk of the limo (still tied up) with the intent of dealing with him later.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LordGrise came up with the opening of the last chapter and the majority of this chapter is mostly his writing. Why Frosties you ask? Well… that was a minor accidental bit of dialog that just grew as LordGrise and I decided that the DC universe had only restricted and haphazard access to unstable molecule ladies undergarments; which of course just makes them that much more desirable. I came up with the idea of Frosties in Chapters 5and 6 of What to do about Magik (still not sure how I came up with that idea). Having created the idea that Frosties are rare, it just led to the need for the girls to all visit the Marvel universe for some shopping. With the result of Selina and Harley now cornering the market for Frosties in the DC universe (and likely not sharing with anybody who was/is rude; just know that is going to cause problems… oh well).

Which, of course, brings humorous thoughts as to the value of Frosties. Somehow I get the image of the Penguin having cash, diamonds, passports, and a pair of untouched black lacy Frosties in his private safe; and the image of Catwoman opening said safe and taking just the Frosties. Leaving an outraged Penguin shouting that somebody has taken his panties… Yeah… a very unique and possible disturbing thought.

 

Why Deadpool? I figured somebody had to ogle the feast of female flesh and who better to perv on them then Deadpool? Which… means that Deadpool is… well… you just know that will cause problems (giggle). But, this is a humorous work after all.

 

This chapter is dedicated to Thisisfunwhattooksolong as LordGrise and I just so love his reviews (hint hint).

 

 

**Part 8a: THREE DAYS LATER**

 

Opportunity meant risk. That was the prime thought of Bruce as he glanced at the attached inventory spreadsheet. Hmmm, apparently Selina had cleaned out the Men’s wear as well. Opportunity, in this case, was that Selina and Harvey had apparently cornered the market in Frosties. A market that would significantly decrease in value if the entire supply was released onto the market in one fell swoop.

 

Risk in that having several billions in underwear, dear lord, that was the actual potential value at current prices if the attached Excel spreadsheet was correct, which meant that panties and bras were worth far more then their weight in gold, or even diamonds. Bruce then had a thought that prompted a chuckle: The idea of central banks having keeping Frosties as a reserve currency or even monetizing Frosties ETF (Exchange Traded Fund…). Bruce could see the headlines now: Today the Dow Jones rose 200 points while the Frosties index rose 310 on anticipation of increased demand on news of a successful bank heist by the notorious all female crime gang named Pussy Riot…

 

Also risk in what would the super powered female population do if they discovered that Frosties were being kept off the market? Bruce had another chuckle over the thought of Amazon island finding out… then a grunt as Batman thought about Amazon island finding out….

 

Apparently this was a one time thing according to a note from Selina, her acquisition, while ‘legal’ had apparently annoyed some interdimensional powers that be rule committee that governed such things involving Hell Lords so no more mass acquisitions of Frosties via Illyana; but apparently gifts to actual friends were still allowed.

 

Batman shook his head. No… this sudden influx of Frosties was just going to be trouble. Better get with Diana to let her know about the situation. Hmmm… apparently there were also custom male Frosties underpants for each of the male bat clan members; see attached photo…

 

Another bat grunt. One that communicated some slight embarrassment at the revealed bat thong which had a little Catwoman emoti grin next to it. Then a grunt of resigned acceptance to the inevitable. Then a grunt of enjoyment upon seeing the group photo.

 

Batman decided to impatiently skim ahead to learn just what had happened to the Batmobile.

 

 

**Part 8b: Skeeter (Some time after the ladies had gone into the club)**

 

In the final analysis, it was absolutely not his fault.

 

So the ladies had gone inside, and with them all the paparazzi who were taking pix and trying to name the unknowns. Skeeter, with the limo, had not even rated three minutes; a measly half dozen photos, all of them focused on the ladies as they left, and he was left in relative peace to find his spot in the secured garage. There were already half a dozen other vehicles in there; among them were a pair of limos for the Ghost Dragons, and a ten-man van for the Demon's Head dudes, and of course the Rolls that belonged to the one and only Oswald Cobblepot (A.K.A The Penguin). Strictly speaking, it was hard dry parking spots, and every man for himself; but the little guys were little guys, and it was just easier for everyone to be cool. So there was a couple benches and a picnic table; there was heat, and one of those food truck set-ups right outside the actual garage space, where you could get water or sodas or a decent coffee, and anything from a Danish to egg rolls to a semi-home made personal pizza if you liked.

 

Skeeter had just settled down with a set of eggrolls and a bowl of something kinda Mongolian something or other that smelled tasty when the whole thing started. First was the cycle, parked in the alley while its rider, the redoubtable Nightwing, decided to spend a bit of time in the upper floors, presumably harassing the Penguin and/or his closest associates.

 

In the usual run of things, that would be that... but the Ghost Dragon guys were bored, the Demon's Head guys were bored, and the Iceberg's people were pissed. And the bike was just sitting there. So some circular no-names-dropped powwow was had, and a bunch of high-tech bits and pieces might have been salvaged… or just plain lost. That would have been enough… but then a certain chimbichanga-eating not-a-hero unceremoniously took way more then his two cents worth, and while momentary allies were still taking the taillights, Deadpool dropped-and-rolled out of Betsy's trunk and rode right out of the neighborhood, on a certain somebody’s supercycle!

 

As he rode out of sight, he caroled back behind him _. "And a good night to all - and to all a fun night!"_

 

It took Nightwing about zero-point-three seconds to figure out there was a problem with the cycle... and ninety seconds to figure out that the bike was not just missing, but gone an not responding to any tracking attempts. An eternal eight minutes to bring Batmobile #2 from under the WayneCorp Towers, and Nightwing was back in the game and wanting some payback. And there was no better place to start than in a certain secure parking garage.

 

Of course, by the time he got there, the Ghost Dragons and Demon's Head guys had long since skedaddled... but Skeeter was still listening to his tunes, and finishing off his last egg roll, with extra sauce. So what better place to start than with the supposed no-name flunkie-driver? Alas, that Betsy loved Skeeter every bit as well as Skeeter loved her...

 

 _"My bike is missing. And you're involved. Start with the names, and maybe you'll be released. If not, Blackgate gonna be good for you till the Feds come to take you away."_ Nightwing was on a roll.

 

From Betsy came the quietest murmur of an engine note, more an indication that she was online than anything else. Skeeter was nearly as calm. _"I been here the whole time eating eggrolls. You go chase wherever your cycle is - it's nothing to do with me."_

 

Nightwing had had enough. There were more than enough bits of his cycle by the 'Custom' limo, and Skeeter's cool-boy act did not cut any slack with Nightwing. Robert 'Skeeter' Smith was going to jail tonight, after some time in interrogation explaining what happened to a certain high-powered motorcycle. Nightwing went to open the door…

 

And Betsy reacted, all four doors locked tight and recessed, even as Skeeter took the two seconds to lock his five point harness in place and engage his stealth system. _"I think you can get on with your search; I'm heading out in Betsy. Have a good night."_

 

Betsy/Skeeter eased out of the lot and onto the street, heading for the elevated highways. The Boss-Lady could give a holler when she was ready; he was going to move around some and let things cool off.

 

Of course, from Nightwing's perspective, Skeeter had just re-designated himself from stupid criminal to stupid criminal attempting to run. The fact that he was Illyana’s driver was completely forgotten in the angst of the missing bike and the perceived disrespect.

 

By the time Betsy had made it to the elevated highways that criss-crossed Gotham, the Batmobile had caught up, and was edging for a push over. For an eternal seven moderate-speed minutes, the Batmobile was the aggressor, attempting to force the limo off the road and/or to a stop in various ways. Skeeter was on full defense, jinking, suddenly shifting lanes, at one point actually falling behind the Batmobile to avoid a full side force maneuver before sliding the full eight lanes over and regaining the lead in the inner breakdown lane, all the while not so much as scratching the paint on any of the civilian vehicles also on the road.

 

And then Betsy diagonalled across twenty yards of actual grass, and suddenly Betsy was not on a ring road in endless circles, but on an outward bound highway. Moderate speed was quickly no longer in play, and Nightwing was unpleasantly surprised when suddenly Betsy was dead center of the two lanes northbound at a hundred seventy miles an hour, and accelerating. Betsy's board lights were suddenly brilliantly lit, deep-phased luminescence flaring as she began the process of jumping universes.

 

Nightwing, in full-on single-minded attack mode, closed to within ten feet of the custom limousine and launched a coherent Electro-Magnetic flare/crashworm program, intended to end the situation before they got to the Canadian border. The actinic flare erupted across both vehicles...

 

And…

 

Suddenly they were most certainly Elsewhere. Which is when things got unpleasant.

 

 

**Part 8c: Interruptions**

 

Right before her cell phone rang, Illyana suddenly was quiet. No one noticed for about three seconds, then she flexed power, and suddenly the ladies were inside the bubble of privacy as Illyana opened the phone in conference mode.

 

Skeeter was **NOT** happy. His voice was thin, and subtly distorted, as a never-ending moan of frigid wind blew in the background, even thru Betsy's armored windows. _"This was **NOT** my fault! I **TRIED** to get away from the stooped… uh, the hero guy, the young one. Nightwing! Uhm… Boss, why is this an open call?"_

 

Illyana groaned as she noticed the photos from Skeeter, then she answered with a tone of irritation. _"I wish that escape could have been conducted without the wrecking of the Batmobile...! The Bat is going to be so pissed. Is Nightwing okay?"_

 

Skeeter's voice was small. _"He's fine, Boss; he's in the lux seats in the back on account of how Betsy won't let him sit up front. Uhm… can I tell you how things went down? Betsy still needs to calm down a bit, anyhoo..."_

 

Illyana's entire mood changed, relaxed back into her restrained amusement. _"Tell Betsy to put him thru to Oracle so he can tell his side of the story, and you tell us yours, and Bats and I will sort it out next time I'm here. Just tell it from the top."_

 

Skeeter also relaxed. " _Calls placing now, Boss. Okies, so Nightwing back there, he decides he's going to rattle the Penguin's cage right after you ladies went in the front, and leaves his cycle in the alley while he goes to the roof access, okay? So there were Demon's Hand guys, and Ghost Dragon guys, and a couple of Penguin's guys, right? They decide to do a bit of undo to the cycle. I had no part in it; I had food, and I wanted nothing more than to eat an' drink, okay? Yeah I watched but… not my problem. Right?"_

 

Illyana was patience personified. _"Of course, Skeeter. Go on."_ But did make a mental note to remind Skeeter that Bat property was to be thought of as a topic of concern going forward.

 

Skeeter continued, his confidence growing. _"So they're in the middle of unhooking the taillights, and the Merc with the Mouth makes his break, scatters them all, and steals the cycle, okay? Last seen going west. Still nothing to do with me, okay? I didn't untie the guy, or unlock the trunk, or anything. I was in the driver's seat with my eggrolls and a pony of Flying Monkey's fermented ginger ale, okay? Next to no alcohol, I swear. Uhm, Betsy might've dumped him out of the trunk… he was really nasty in the seat, if you grasp my meaning, and she's fastidious about that sort of thing. You'd have to ask her. Anyway, he leaves, and all the various gentlemen all decide to go elsewhere. Still nothing to do with me."_

 

Illyana was almost dreamy. _"Of course, Skeeter."_

 

_“So Batboy takes almost ten minutes to come back down, and I'm the only guy in the secure garage, right? So he has to rattle my gourd, right? I tell him I have no part in the whole thing. And instead of letting me be and going after his cycle, he decides to flex a grudge in my face, and tells me I'm going up the river if I don't tell all! Like I even knew, right? Then he tries to pop the door open so he can pull me out, okay?"_

 

Harley broke in. " _The nerve of it, Skeeter-dude! You're cool as a cucumber! So what happened next?"_

 

Skeeter was in fine form. _"Well, what da hell was I supposed ta do? Just let The Boy Blunder buttclaw me before shipping me off to Blackgate and the Feds? For nothing I actually did, just like the first time, right? So me and Betsy, we tried to leave, okay? Calm, quiet, just another set of wheels in the night. Yeah, Nightwing tried to fender bend us before we were even on the highway, then tried to run us off the road about four or five times, then he jiggerpoked Betsy electronically when we were getting ready to Jump!"_ A moment's shouting was overheard thru the phone, Nightwing was defending his actions to his wife apparently, and then Skeeter was back on the line. _"Then the freaking idiot is in another reality with us, an we're his only way back, so what does he do? He tries to blow out a tire while I was still loopy! Betsy kinda got mad at that last bit, and uhm… well she ended the mess. Forcefully, yeah, but_ _non-lethally, I'd like to point out, Boss? It could've been a hell of a sight worse."_

 

Orphan and Catwoman were clearly in on the call Oracle was presiding over, and they were both nearly as unhappy as Oracle, but not, it seemed, with Skeeter. Harley and Ivy, by comparison, looked smugly amused. The Marvel heroines were simply calm, awaiting details, while Mazikeen looked bored.

 

Illyana's voice was on point _. "Skeeter, where are you now? Right now?"_

 

Skeeter's voice was rattled a bit. _"Uhm, Niffleheim, pretty sure. Outer Winter Wastes, Betsy says? That's when Junior tried to drop an RPG on us, and Betsy lost it. Oh yeah, the Dragoness says hi, and she'd love to hang out with you sometime. She asked me to pass that on, next I saw you. This counts as, right?"_

 

Illyana's right eyebrow rose, and she might even have smiled a touch. Her voice remained immaculately calm and in control, though. _" Skeeter? Who is the Dragoness?"_

 

Skeeter was clueless. _"What? Uh - local top critter, I guess? She offered to eat Nightwing... I explained she'd need to wait in line, that you had first dibs, okay? I uh, I kinda explained who you were. I mighta exaggerated a touch, keep him from becoming a chew-toy. I graciously got his stupid ass in the back, he's at least not being pissy, at least not while he was talking to me. Look, the thing is, Boss-lady, this is not my fault, okay? I tried to leave. Several times. Now the Batmobile is still technically salvageable, right? Mostly, anyway… it's gonna need some stuff... and… a lot of work…"_

 

Skeeter stopped for a moment, and Oracle took advantage of the silence. _"He wants to speak to you, Magik."_

 

Illyana was all business. _Put him on."_

 

Nightwing was embarrassed; how many times had it happened that his life was unequiviqually saved by the criminal who put him in harms way in the first place? _"How do you… I accused him of being involved in my cycle being stolen! And then he ran!"_

 

Around the table, the Girlz expressions were all mixtures of embarrassment and amusement; he really was whining. Illyana's voice was courteous. _"Nightwing, when you come on too strong to someone, it's not unnatural that they flee, regardless of guilt or innocent. And I don't think my driver had anything to do with the stealing of your cycle if he says he didn't. My people tend not to try to lie to me."_

 

Illyana's words were like a cold splash of water to his face, awakening him to just how utterly unprofessionally he had acted tonight. _"Uhm… So your associate... Wasn't involved in wrecking and then stealing my motorcycle?"_

 

Illyana was the avatar of grace and serenity. " _No. Apparently the other hoodlums in the parking garage began matters, and then this… individual named Deadpool ended matters. Deadpool was our prisoner, and escaped custody, so some portion of the matter falls upon me as well. Thus, allow me to correct matters as much as possible tonight."_

 

Illyana returned to the open line, and business. _"Skeeter, call Frankie and the goblins, and put a rush order on the job.”_

_“Sounds like a good band name.”_ Opined Harley, to the agreement of the other girls.

Illyana continued after a snort of a laugh. “ _Full nine yards, including munitions. Good thing Frankie likes a challenge. I agree this was not your fault, or Betsy's, either. I'll settle it for now, and Batman and I can make things right the next I drop in.”_ The a tone of awe. _“Dear Gods, Mazikeen is starting a dance off.”_

Illyana hurriedly finished the conversation. _“Deal with it, Skeeter: either he comes home with rebuilt Batmobile tonight as in here local, or he rides with you when you come to pick us up. Under no circumstances do you leave him with the goblins, you hear me? I'd never hear the end of it; his father and his wife would **BOTH** come and hunt me down to make their displeasure known. I'll call you when we're ready for pickup."_

**Part 8d: Voice mail (hours later)**

 

Message 1: _Lady Resputin? Frankie heah. Okies, dis 'Batmobile', first time I ever worked on one a' dese, is screwed but good, but not so badly we can't get her good again. Betsy says, kinda sulky, that she hit twenny t'ree times. My scrying matches: I got thirty shots fired, twelve -point-seven by ninety-nine mil mixed feeds; seven clean misses, eleven bounces, an' fifteen paydays inta da front end, full auto. Somewhere in dere towards da end the forward munitions on'na Batmobile kinda started cooked off, just ta make things interesting; dats when da driver, Nightwing fellow, I heah? bailed. Hey, you do like da best, so what d'ya expect when Betsy fires for effect? You should be damn glad she decided ta shoot at da engine, an' not da driver, awright? Now it happens ta be I got a fair match for da front end from another reality where things didn't end so good. So, rear end from one reality, front end from another, and lots of elbow grease an' welding in the middle. A little bondo, some paint, better than new._

 

Message 2: _Forgot to mention, munitions, Fritz is hardcore about dat; your guy is gonna hafta pay cash dere. He says it's cool? So, all in all, one medium favor owed by youse, an' we agree it ain't gonna be a hit job._

 

Message 3: _We'll have da job done by da end a da night, Batmobile back in town before dawn or we owes you da favor. Might be ten minutes ta dawn, but we'll get'er done._

 

Message 4: _Fritz has a question for ya: dis batman guy, he ain't a vampire, right? Ya know how Fritz gets about vampires._


End file.
